No Apologies

"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."

2011-07-27T09:01:00.000-05:00

How can I be an awesome friend in the face of tragedy?

*Disclaimer* --This is definitely an art and not a science, so don't take everything I say to be fool-proof.

In relation to my previous blog about miscarriage, a close writer-friend of mine, Katy, and I decided to collaborate on a blog that would help people know how to come alongside a friend who is grieving, especially as it relates to miscarriage. Miscarriage is such a "taboo" issue, rarely discussed and often misunderstood. Miscarraige seems to be hard for people who have never experienced it to imagine the child who died in the womb as a real child. It's usually difficult even for the "baby daddy" to "get it." In my experience and also for some friends, husbands just don't always feel the pain and loss to the same magnitude as their wife who went through the physical miscarriage. This can cause the grieving mother to feel especially isolated and like no one understands.

Furthermore, even close friends or family members who have miscarriages are difficult and nerve-wracking to approach because the grieving person is usually extra-sensitive. And by extra, I mean ridiculously, sometimes sensitive beyond understanding. Almost as if nothing said could be the right thing. (ummm, yes. I have been guilty of this!)

So in light of this tough topic, we wanted to share our experience with you about what helped us move through our grief. To read Katy's story with miscarriage, check out: her blog.

Here we go....top 8 things to help you come beside your friend in this time of deep grief:

1. Accept it, Embrace it.

In an effort to help most likely, people have said lots of things to me such as:

"You're SO young, you will have kids someday."

"You are such a great person, you deserve to have kids so I'm sure you will."

"You will eventually have kids, I'm sure it's just not the right time..."

The problem with those phrases is that they don't focus on the grief of THIS miscarriage and the tragedy it feels like. Depending on your friend and how they are grieving, they may not want to look FORWARD just yet. They may still be missing their baby and want you to meet them in that grief now.

People are so quick to want to pull you out of your grief! Although your tendency may be to make your friend laugh and talk about other things like the promising future (which usually at this moment doesn't feel so promising), your friend may be in a place where she needs you to enter into her grief and not offer advice moving forward.

It's always best to ask her if she wants to talk about the miscarriage...it's real to her. It happened. And she needs to talk about it.

2. Bring food, bring flowers, bring Starbucks: just know that you aren't going to fix it.

Personally delivering food or flowers expresses that you aren't afraid to be around your grieving friend or acknowledge the loss of their baby as a real death.

After our first miscarriage, three people delivered beautiful blooming flowers and plants, and it reminded me that life is all around us, and it will eventually bloom.

After our second and third miscarriages, only one friend brought over flowers and a note. This made this friendship stand out as especially real and comforting.

I felt especially alone after losing multiple babies to miscarriage, and it seemed like less people cared each time. Even with something as simple as not receiving flowers or notes. When my dad asked what he could do, I asked him to send flowers. I didn't want to have to ask. But it still helped. It gave me something to look at and remember what I was dealing with. It's not something that if ignored, will simply disappear.

3. Be there. Go out or stay in, but be available.

This point piggybacks on the previous two. Your friend might want to talk about medical things. She may want to recount the whole story to you. This is a huge piece of the healing process.

*Listen to her. Don't be afraid to enter into the pain with your friend.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

4. Say something, say anything....just not anything.

Ask Ask Ask questions. She will tell you if she wants to talk about something else, but most people don't want to talk about the hard stuff and let you cry. This is so vital.

Say "I'm sorry." If you don't understand, just say, "I can't even imagine how hard this must be, but I'm here to listen and I'm so sorry."

It's really meaningful when friends and acquaintances even simply bring it up. It's a death- a loss that she needs acknowledged.

Now saying something, doesn't mean that it's okay to say just anything. As aforementioned, it's hard to hear people about the kids you will probably have some day. When the FUTURE is all people want to talk about, it's frustrating. Your friend my not be ready to move forward yet.

Avoid saying things like:

"It will happen, you have plenty of time to have kids." (Overly optimistic...this very well may not happen, and we just aren't promised tomorrow.)

or "That's why you shouldn't tell people until you're further along." (She probably already regrets this decision. It's in the past and will make her feel regret when she doesn't need more stress.)

If your friend is a believer, focus on the Lord and not other people or quick fixes. She doesn't want to hear about wives tales or what you or your friend tried/did to get or stay pregnant. (unless maybe you have walked where she is walking.)

2 Corinthians 4:18, "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

5. No offense (don't be easily offended)

Your friend may not be willing to talk about it. She may not hold back anything, and it may get weird. She may be rude about other preggos or people with babies.

Don't take offense at what she says. As a sister in Christ, you may want to just ask if you can pray over her if you are sensing a huge and hurtful amount of hostility, but she may just not know how to deal with her raging emotions. Be there. Have your defenses down.

6. Encourage with truth and promises of scripture. (HUGE!)

Scripture is full of promises. We received a card in the mail from some friends who are so biblically rooted. It was full of scripture that PIERCED my heart like the Bible usually does, and I just read it and wept.

These are some of my favorites:

"Let your UNFAILING LOVE surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3, 7

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (Amplified)

He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified)

The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (Amplified)

7. Pray for. Pray over.

She needs prayer warriors in her life. Be one.

James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and PRAY for each other that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Romans 12:12 (one of my favorites) "Be Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

8. Endure, Encourage, and Never give up.

Don't give up on her. The healing journey is long and daunting at times. It is to her, and it may be extremely hard for you to weather with her. Keep praying. Keep asking. Keep encouraging. Keep loving.

Blessings to you as you strive to serve and love your friends with the agape love of Christ.. And THANK YOU to all of my wonderful friends who have listened more than they probably cared to, and cared enough to make a difference. I am so thankful for you! I truly believe that I would not be where I am today without each of you. (corny, corny, corny. But true.)

Courage, Dear heart- Part II

2011-04-21T14:55:00.000-05:00

So continuing on from the first paragraph of the last post, I will continue to tell the story of our miscarriage and how it is shaping us.

It felt like time had stopped...

I was physically alone. I had told Kevin not to worry about coming with me to the ultrasound. I remember telling him that morning, "I'm sure it will be great! I just want to make sure."

I was emotionally and medically feeling alone. I knew that only 1% of women who conceive have 3+ miscarriages in a row. Now I was in that dreaded 1%.

As awful as this sounds, God had a plan. He orchestrated the ultrasound to happen the way it did for a reason. It was probably the lowest point in my life when she told me, "Honey, it looks like the baby doesn't have a heartbeat anymore." But this ultrasound technician knew and loved the Lord and God allowed her to bless me even in that dark hour. She was more gentle and loving than any medical professional I had ever encountered. (This was at a free clinic I volunteer at, because my Dr's office didn't think it was necessary for me to come in for an early ultrasound since I had already had a healthy ultrasound 3 weeks earlier.) She said, "You can feel however you want to feel right now. Don't feel like you have to sugarcoat how you are feeling for me." She hugged me. She allowed me some alone time to call Kevin but also took as much time as I wanted to just sit with me and let me mourn before driving home. She would have driven me home, but I wanted to be alone. She told me the story of her sister who had battled infertility for 10 years and then had a healthy baby. She shared this glimpse of hope with me, knowing that we both love and serve the God of miracles.

Matthew 19:26 "Jesus looked at them (I imagine this to be a look of intensity) and said 'With man this is impossible, but with GOD ALL things are possible.'"

I didn't even have to tell Kevin exactly what happened. He just knew. I called him, and asked for him to meet me at home. What totally shocked me about that day, was that I had a sense of calm. I literally felt like God had his hand on me and was holding me up. I felt like I had the strength of someone outside of myself. The reason I mention this is because I was so fearful all throughout this third pregnancy. I wrestled hard with God in those two months. I wanted to trade my fear for his peace, but fear raged in my mind. I say this because I want you to understand how real the fear was not only of losing another baby, but also because I was afraid of what it might do to my faith. I didn't know if I would be able to understand why a loving God could choose to answer our prayer for a healthy baby with a "no." I was afraid of a crisis of faith, and I was afraid of what my identity would look like when or if God didn't provide a solid place to stand.

Even and especially in these fears, I see now and trust that God knew. He knew another one of our babies would come to be with him so soon. He knew that we couldn't hold ourselves up alone. He knew Kevin and I couldn't hold each other up. He knew how fragile and scared and shocked we would be when we got the news each and every time (but especially the third time). And he really knew that in that brokenness and hurt, he would draw so very near. I wish you could understand what I'm saying, and maybe you can because you have been there. Like I said before, please share your story of how God cradled you close. God deserves ALL THE GLORY when he does amazing miracles like this.

My heart's desire is to convey to the world that God is there. He knows. In this mess...in the hurt...He will give you strength. If you trust Him as your Lord and trust in the power of the cross of Christ and the fact that SIN is defeated, you will receive power from on high.

Acts 1:8 "But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you shall be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the Earth."

Kevin and I feel his Holy Spirit with us in a way we have never felt before. Looking back on those first few days, and really the whole last month that we have been processing everything, I feel like God has literally opened the floodgates and drenched us in his love. In that love that provides a feeling of closeness to the divine...a real supernatural strength. Strength to face the insensitive comments. Strength to get out of bed each day. And strength to make it through the dark nights, filled with memories of laying in dark ultrasound rooms. He has given us strength to mourn and grieve with joyful hope for the future. He is DAILY giving us the ability to rise and sing...to look ahead to the hope of heaven.

I hope all of this "uppity, motivational crap" doesn't sound corny and cliche. And trust me...I have many moments and times that I don't "FEEL" awesome about what happened, or the fact that I won't get to hold our babies until my life on earth ends. I have times that my heart screams out to God, "Why me?!" "Why do babies die?" "WHY do you let your children suffer so much?!" I'm no saint. I complain. I cry for the wrong reasons. But those times are growing to be fewer. I feel like I'm starting to "see" more than I could. (Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See has been an incredible healing tool God has used in my life.)

It's like I was living in an innocent "easy-to-have-faith" life before we started trying to start a family. I was naive to deep, personal suffering (besides the divorce of my parents...which is no small thing...but having a baby stripped away from you is an intimate, personal pain that I never wish upon anyone.) I wanted to believe that life with Jesus is a life without pain and suffering. It was easier for me to believe and proclaim that life for Christians is "all good" when you pray and have faith. I don't know that I would have said I believed this, but I was truly a stranger to suffering. I had no way of connecting with Christians who felt depressed or angry with God. But I just want to say through my tears right now to you who have felt that way or do feel like God doesn't understand or hear your prayers in suffering...you're wrong. He cries with you. He mourns with you. He hears you.

Hebrews 4:15-16 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need"

This scripture promises that he has felt everything we have felt. He has felt angry. He has been temped to succumb to depression and fear. Jesus was such an outcast! I am so comforted when I start to feel lonely and misunderstood by thinking about JESUS being mistreated and misunderstood to the point of crucifixion. Jesus knows. God knows how you feel. He sculpted your body in your mother's womb. He knows your inmost thoughts, and has since before you even took your first breath. And this scripture promises that we receive mercy and grace when we go to the throne of God asking for it, especially in our time of need.

I feel like my soul has been nurtured and protected...and is even starting to be replenished. I don't understand it, really. I'm almost confused at the converse reaction I feel to what I thought would happen in my life and in my faith. I thought another death would make me doubt his love, his power, and his goodness. All I can say is that I feel him near. In my deepest weakness, he has been my deepest strength.

I'll get into more specifics of how we have seen God wrap his arms of love around us and pull us into his hesed, "lovingkindness," over the next couple posts. But I do want to THANK you all for your outpouring of love and prayer. We have felt more loved and uplifted than ever before, and we have experienced the kind of community that brings healing through many of you. God knew we would need you, and he brought you into our lives for such a time as this. For that, I can't even express my gratefulness in words.

And for those of you who are afraid of bad things happening or who are going through trials, I echo what my sweet friend said to me and what I think God is saying to us, "Courage, dear heart."

God knows.

Do not fear.

Don't let your faith rest only in a God who gives you good days.

He will show up in your weakness; He knows how to provide when you need him most.

It is such an indescribable gift when He gives you more of his presence.

I want for you to swim in the ocean of love that he has for you. It's exhilarating. Not always easy or fun, but it's good. We serve a good God.

"Courage, Dear Heart" -Part 1

2011-04-11T11:25:00.000-05:00

A dear friend sent me a text that read, "Aslan said to Lucy in the storm, 'Courage, dear heart...' I love you and am praying for you, Liv." I started weeping.

It was about a month ago that I laid down on yet another ultrasound table with great fear and anticipation. What should have been a healthy 9-week baby was found to be significantly smaller than expected. It's hard to express in words how it felt to receive this news. Yet. Again. It felt like time stopped...

Three times in the last year we have gotten the best news of our lives in the form of a pee stick, "Pregnant." And three times we have gotten the dreaded news that our baby has gone to be with Jesus, seemingly all too soon.

Needless to say, it has been a roller coaster of a year. I hardly know how to begin expressing what God is doing in Kevin and me, but I know that He is doing something profound, and that something needs to be shared. Not for your or my sake, but for the sake of sharing God's story. I have been deeply challenged to believe over the last few months especially, that my messy story is not my own to be held onto and locked away, or shared only when my trust-instincts confirm that I'm not about to be hurt.

My human tendency is, big surprise, SELFISH. I want to hold my pain close and rarely share it. To move scarcely forward and to tuck the precious memory of these pregnancies into the secret depths of my soul. Only to be felt by me...lonely and despairing me. My tendency is to resist comfort, whether from others OR from the Holy Spirit. I am inclined to think that life is cruel and that comfort and peace are so far away that I may not ever feel them in the same way again.

But praise God! In this pain and heartbreak, He is giving Kevin and me the most profound measures of his comfort and peace. Before the desperation of this past year, I don't think I had a deep yearning to feel the peace or comfort of God. I don't remember praying for peace or comfort because I saw no significant void in my life. It's not that I had no need for God, but the ugly self-righteousness blocked my view of the cross and its magnitude. So it is now in this crippling weakness that I feel our heavenly Father picking me up spiritually, emotionally, and physically and pouring His Spirit and strength into my dry and weary bones.

So in response to that gift of strength in the storm, and in response to His cradling love in brokenness, I would like to crawl up into the lap of our savior and let Him continue to strengthen me as I share my story with you in order that God's story may be understood more clearly and more glory be given to his name.

Over the next few blog posts, I will attempt to share what God has been doing in my heart, my life, my friendships, and our marriage as we walk through (and hopefully out of) this dark valley.

Just know this:
-I very much still believe God is faithful, loving, and sovereign.

-I may say some things that you disagree with. I am aware that I am not an expert in medicine or theology. I know I don't have all the answers. But please be sensitive in your comments. My heart is soft and vulnerable.

-I am sharing this NOT for attention or for pity, but to share the part of His story that He has entrusted to us through our lives and our suffering. We don't think our story is in any way better or more meaningful than anyone else's. I just feel compelled to share what the grace of God has provided in my life over the last year, I would love to hear your story too.

- I love you for reading this, and I am (more than ever) so grateful for your prayers, friendship, and love.

The Discipline of Retainers

2011-04-03T18:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, confession time. I hate wearing my retainer. As cute as a glow-in-the-dark, sparkly piece of plastic with a metal wire attached is, I RARELY wear it. I think this is because my hubby will think I am totally un-cute and look like I'm 12. (and I do, even though he denies it.) And when I wear it, I don't want to pray out loud because I sound like I have a huge lisp. haha. The alternative is to put it in after praying, but usually when Amen is muttered, it's only about .4 seconds until I am completely out.

HOWEVER, as tacky as it sounds, I feel so good in the morning when I get to take my retainer out! I feel like my smile is more straight and I can feel confident that I'm doing the right thing for my pearly whites! Oh, the discipline of retainer wearing.

Have you noticed that your retainer is super tight when you try to put it back in after weeks of not wearing it? And that when you wake up your teeth are sore? But when you've been wearing your retainer consistently, you hardly even notice that anything is on your teeth...and maybe you can't even sleep without it! It becomes habitual. You put the retainer in each night without second thought, and your teeth look their best.

Call me crazy, but I have been thinking about how being consistent in our faith is a lot like this retainer routine. When we are getting up early or blocking out time to read the word, digest it, and pray through things going on in our lives, it begins to happen naturally. It goes deeper. It's something to look forward to. In times of life that I've been consistent, I felt like there was a sweet communion between God and me. I felt like he was eagerly awaiting our times together, and I was too. And these times with God, especially over periods of time, yield beautiful results. Okay, so I know it's a super corny comparison. I don't long for my retainer and it doesn't long for me...but stay with me here.

I say all this because having been a Christian my whole adult life, the most common frustration I have experienced is a lack of finding time for or a lack of desire to spend time with God. So, I just think about it a lot. When are the times that I am most engaged in a relationship with God? Definitely in trials, but also times of routine and habit.

When I start skipping out on wearing the nasty slobbery retainer, I definitely don't notice a difference in my smile right away. In fact, it takes awhile for me to notice that my I-teeth are getting a little vampirish again. But eventually, it happens. The teeth move. And even though I know what would change this, I'm just complacent and lack the discipline to get back into a healthy routine. It makes me wish I never got out of the habit in the first place. (Confession #2: what usually causes me to "fall out of the habit" is me losing my retainer. I lose things vigorously. Big. Small. Important. Expensive. Etc.) But nonetheless, I get out of the habit and I need to suck it up and get back IN the habit.

And so it goes with personal Jesus-time. It may not be immediately apparent in my heart and life that I am getting up early to eat some life-bread and pour my heavy heart out to God. My soul won't necessarily be leaping for joy all day or each day I have a "good morning devo". But I know that over time, I will see the results of that in the way that I
believe,
think,
overflow,
and live.

Time spend with God overflows into every single aspect of life. It's not something that we can manufacture. It's not something we can fake. People can see through fake-Jesus people. And when we are digesting media crap or gossip from friends all the time, the results will be more of the same. When we daily input "good, noble, right, true, lovely, admirable" thoughts and ideas, we will begin to progressively think and act in alignment with those things.

Anyway, I just think about my retainer a lot because I feel guilty when I look over at it glowing in the dark most nights and still decide not to put it in. It's funny because it literally only takes me 5 seconds to reach over to my bedside table and put it in, but sometimes I'm too vain (for my husband to see me in it..haha) or inconvenienced by doing so, and then I get all whiney when two months later I start to get a weird smile. :$.

Spending time with God=same thing

It may be seriously inconvenient to get up and do it, or to carve out a decent chunk of time for our Creator and God. And the heart results may not be super obvious for awhile. But I think they're seriously more valuable. And I (think that I) love the major brokenness and pain I'm going through right now so I have no choice but to cuddle up to, wrestle with, and soak in Jesus's love more than ever before. I don't love trekking through the deep, rocky valley of the shadow of death, but God DOES draw near to the brokenhearted. (and as they say, this will be another post for another day).

SO thankfully, I am enjoying my God-time more than my retainer-time these days. But I should do that too. ;oD

PS. For those of you who don't have retainers at all...well, 1) lucky freakin' you and 2) I hope you treasure your hassle-free flossing.

Sucking at Blogging

2011-03-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

I think a lot of people struggle with the worry that they suck at blogging. They are discouraged daily by the 0-2 responses in the "comments" section. This leads to more infrequent entries, and eventually just giving up. I have fallen subject to this suck-blog-syndrome, and I've decided that I'm not going to set any more goals. BUT, I'm also not going to care whether people comment or not. I'm going to use my blog as a journal, and people can come or go as they like. If no one comes and goes, I don't even care. Writing is a muscle and mine needs to be exercised.

I'm going to stop caring that the formatting sucks and I can't quite figure out how to get a picture and the font format changed for my title. Maybe I'll figure it out, and maybe I won't. But I'm done caring what other people think. A blog should be for the blogger. And I need to write. No apologies :)

In a perfect world, a blog would be a marketplace of sharing information. It definitely increases in productivity and excitement on visitors and the author's part as traffic increases, just like any mall or market in real life would. But I found the most adorable resale boutique shop in Davenport yesterday, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mint-Green-Boutique/193726916916, and I was the only one there. That didn't decrease how awesome it was, and even if it's never a bustling store, I will continue to go back. SO, that reminded me that all I can offer is my best...and my most authentic self...and at least I know God cares how I feel. He likes to see me share my heart and bare my heart, and by His grace this will result in bringing him glory that he so deserves.

I have heard recently (wellll...I started hearing this over a year ago) that blogging was out and twitter was in. Let's be honest though, 140 characters?! Can we really share our heart or explain ourselves in 140 letters? I don't think blogging or article writing will ever be obsolete. People long for more. That's why books are still being written and bought by the millions everyday. So me and my not-so-smart-phone will keep on blogging and twitter will get the occasional update or link. I'm old school, yes. Do I want to be? Yes. So here's to another chance in the blog-o-sphere. Cheers!

Other old school things I like (besides writing/visiting blogs):
-Homemade pie crust
-home videos on VHS
-engagements where he gets down on one knee
-yearbooks
-tanning in the real sun
-bicycles (even if I have no biking skills...and can usually run further than I can bike)
-Girl scout lemon creme cookies (that they have discontinued...much to my dismay)
-The radio. Especially radio dramas like Adventures in Odyssey
-Peanut Butter and Jelly and Grilled Cheese sandwiches

Twins!

2010-06-09T10:35:00.002-05:00

So I have a new babysitting job. It's FABULOUS. Here's my haiku about it:

Twin one-year-old boys.

Vishnu and Anju are cute.

They are sleeping now.

I can get online/write when they're sleeping and they take 2 naps per day! This afternoon they're going to the doctor to get their 1 year old shots, so it may not be the most fun afternoon. But a typical day in the life is pretty fun.

I get here in the morning, where usually they're still asleep. When they wake up, I change their diapers, give them their bottles and feed them breakfast. Then onto bath time. It gets a little bit crazy when I give them both a bath at the same time, but usually their mom is here helping me watch one while I bathe the other one.

One can walk, and the other is pretty wobbly so he crawls most of the time. Then they take their morning naps before lunch and some afternoon play time. It's so cool to get to know another culture (Indian) and really feel welcome in their home.

I'll have to post a picture of them when I get one on my camera. But for now...here's to twins!! (and the hope that they sprinkle lots of baby dust over me everyday.)

Prayer

2010-05-21T14:18:00.003-05:00

My mom just gave me some articles that she found while cleaning out her office that she thought I'd find useful.

One magazine was from 1996, which is awesome. The pictures in it are classic.

There was an awesome article in it on prayer that struck a chord with me. In the article, Becka Tirabassi talks about how she went to a conference and the speaker said something that completely spoke to her heart and called her to the plate. He said, "Prayerlessness in the life of a believer is sin." She realized that that calls her and other Christians to decide if they're going to live in sin or not.

Even though all her life she had said "I'm too busy" I'm too tired" "It doesn't do anything" "It takes too much time" "It's boring" and "Prayer is for old people," she decided to challenge herself. She would pray for an hour everyday because it was the least she could do after everything God had done for her.

It was just an awesome article about how God showed up and she learned to cherish that time with Him. She has a my PART, and God's PART. Her part has four sections : Praise, Admit, Request, and Thanks. She prayed in a journal so as to keep track. His part consists of LMNOP (no acronym apparently lol) Listening, Messages (going through sermon notes), New and Old Testaments, and Proverbs. She also has a "to do" section in the binder where she makes notes of what she feels God is calling her to do (write a note to someone, etc.)

I was hugely convicted while reading this 14 year old article, because now more than ever...since I'm working more part-time, I should be able to make this time with God. If I can't do it now, when I'm not holding a full time job, I obviously don't care enough to make prayer a huge part of my life. (Because I somehow never cease to find the time to workout, get on facebook, or watch a TV show.) I'm going to try this method, probably more like 30 or 45 minutes at first, but I think I'm going to love it. I'm going to make a commitment to God, and then set the timer and keep it. (as recommended by the article.)

The Test: I did this last night, and right when I set the timer and set my phone to the side...I got a call from Kevin reminding me that I was supposed to be at his office for a work function I had committed to. I raced off to the event, frustrated as ever. But later last night I got a chance to spend time in the word and writing my prayers out to God. It was so refreshing and so needed. It's been way too long since I made it a huge priority in my life.

I pray that you guys would think about prayer more as "the heartthrob of the believer's life" -Dr. Ole Hallesby

~Future prayer warrior

Friends

2010-05-17T17:26:00.003-05:00

If you knew that you were hurting people, would you stop

or get up and move?

If you knew that you were living exclusively,

would you invite more to your banquet table?

If you knew that your friends were alone

would you step out of the world of you?

If you asked me these questions, I don't know what my answer would be.

I know it's a harsh world. I know it's hard to love others as you love yourself. I DO NOT profess to be perfect or close.

But if you would have asked me a year ago, would I ever have written this with you in mind?

That answer I know. I would have said no.

But now we question everything. What are your grounds for friendship? Do you have criteria? What was our friendship based on? And questioning those you thought loved you unconditionally hurts.

What is a friend? Someone who hangs out with you for a time because it's convenient and fun? Maybe it goes a big deeper than that. Perhaps people become friends because they have a lot in common and they make each other laugh. Maybe those people feel like they can be themselves, flaws and all, with a friend. Vulnerability. Loyalty.

I would hope that among Christians, it's deeper than all of those things. Christian friendship is a bond of brotherhood or sisterhood that should unite us in our struggle against flesh and blood. It's an eternal partnership. It should be a relationship where we can be flawed and confess to one another. Accountability. Strength. Biblical. Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Are there boundary lines for Christian friendship? Yes. There are times in the Bible were Jesus explains that friends can be cut off. We are to confront a Christian brother if he is living in sin. If he doesn't change, we are instructed to bring another Christian friend to confront him with. If he still doesn't respond, bring him in front of the Church. Only after a triple try and a triple refusal of that friend to live out the will of God should we cut our friendship short. It takes a bold Christian friend to confront this intentionally, and I think it's awesome that we have Biblical mandates that are this bold.

Whether you are a Christian or not, siblings are usually great friends because you're united by flesh and blood. You are family. That's why Jesus' friendship to humanity is described as stronger than even this bond. "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." And for the first time in my life, this verse means something substantial to me. Some of our friends have left us. Our very closest friends live far away. We feel lonely in the friendship sense for the first time in our very social lives. Praise GOD that he is a friend when we need that. He can be a loving father, but he can also be a best friend. I used to say that Jesus was my friend. But I didn't get it, nor do I think I truly meant it. I didn't get it because I thought I didn't need it. Shame on me for not realizing this sooner!!

But oh nellie. =) When your friends in Christ stop including you in their lives because of a difference in theological beliefs, you need Jesus more than ever. It's a freakin lonely world down here without a loving, forgiving community around you. And this is NOT to say that we don't have wonderful friends who have been with us. Thank you to everyone who has surrounded us in prayer and physically in this dark season of our lives. It's just the idea of being forgotten by old friends. Frienships that we thought ran much deeper.

I would love to say that I never have or never will wrongfully abandon or fail my friends or family. I'm writing this to my selfish self too. I would love to say that I will never cease to be there for people when they most need me. But I can't promise that. I'm asking for forgiveness if I have failed you as a friend or sister in Christ. and I'm deeply sorry if I have ever hurt you the way we are hurting right now.

We are all failures and broken and human. Thank God for redemption.

(and we're getting a dog. I heard they're pretty rockin at the whole friendship thing.)

Writing

2010-05-15T23:14:00.004-05:00

Being a writer is being persistent and consistent in your blogging efforts, even if you don't even have 2 followers (see: my other blog).

Being a writer is writing because you love it, even when no one ever comments on your blogs.

Being a writer is sometimes hard in "this economy" because instead of writing what you want to, you waste hours online trying to make money writing freelance articles, and reading freelance articles about how to write freelance articles.

Writing is hard sometimes because you feel like your thoughts and work is less valid somehow if it isn't somehow available to the public via: internet.

Writing is cool because you can write how you feel. It just becomes harder when your feelings are a jumbled pile of crazy-ness that is hard to transfer into letters and sentences. (as difficult as untangling a tiny necklace chain that has been knotted up --> Can be EXTREMELY tedious and frustrating at times.)

Writing is...what I love. And I'm excited to write to change the world. I bet if you're over the age of 25, you're thinking, "aww, that's cute. She wants to change the world. Good luck with that." But you'll see...it's all about luck, talent, and persistence. If you have 2 out of those 3, you WILL make it. And Persistence I have control over.

Good night friends. I hope you are living with the purpose of accomplishing all of your dreams and hopes. EVEN and especially when people don't think you can.

And if you aren't, I sure hope you love the life you've fallen into anyway. We only live once. We might as well be doing what we love.

Million Dollar Mouth

2010-05-12T10:33:00.002-05:00

This grill was the most expensive one I could find, and it listed for 10,000 dollars.

Let me tell you something that totally disgusts me. My mouth is worth more than that!!! And I am and have always been a brush-and-floss-and-rinse-a-haulic. (not kidding!)

I like to say, it all started when I was the second born child. I heard a mother's nutrients are depleted so the subsequent children's bones and teeth may not be as strong. Or it could be hereditary; my dad's mouth is worth robbing too.

Thank GOD they use white fillings and crowns now. I had my first filling probably around age 6. I had silver fillings back then, which were cool for about a day. I continued to have cavities filled as I grew out of my baby teeth and into my adult teeth. It was no better a situation. I have probably had 15+ (at least 1800 dollars worth) fillings in my lifetime. Do we even have that many molars?!

We started to think that my dentist was making them up because I was the only one in my family getting these outrageously unclean bills of dental health. So, we switched dentists and my mouth was surprisingly uneventful for a few years. :D

Then, I went to college and decided that I should get braces. I had a couple minor issues (we're talking, one bottom tooth out of line, and a top tooth that stuck out about 2 milimeters in front of its neighbor). BUT, since I was still owned and paid for by my parents, I decided to whine about getting braces. I only had them on for 10 months, and when I got them off (3,000 dollars later), of course more cavities had developed in the areas that are virtually impossible to brush with braces.

Since that point in college, I have had another 7 fillings and a root canal. Sadly, in just 8 days I'll be getting my second root canal/crown (1600 dollars). What a sad joke, that fails to make me laugh. This American life is EXPENSIVE!! Can I get an amen?

Thank goodness for dental insurance, and parents who taught me to brush, floss and rinse.

At least I still have all of my teeth, and thanks to cosmetic dentistry, you probably couldn't even tell by looking in my mouth. (See last picture of me on my last blog...)

Brush your teeth, children. And lay off of the soda and candy. Like me =)

PS. Don't forget to check out my new writer's blog: www.keepyourbuttinchair.blogspot.com

Jamaica Pictures and A new blog!

2010-05-07T12:22:00.002-05:00

Kevin was a true stud on the trapeze in Jamaica! We have some videos of us doing it too. Pretty flipping exhilarating! --haha no pun intendedWe got up early on our last morning (5:30) and went out to see the sunrise over the ocean. It was beautiful, except for the mosquitos who loved our white-person blood. We wrote each other messages in the sand, and had the whole beach to ourselves.
This tree would have taken like 10 people's arms stretched out to hug it completely. It was sweet. The golf course was a little dry, but Jamaica is still a cool (well hot, but neat) place to make my debut on the golf course. =)
I got a Par 3!! Then I got really tired and bored, and the $25 cart sounded really good right around the 5th hole.
We had fun photo shoots in our room, as usual. I selected this one because we actually have a little tan, and you can't see our wet swimming suits in the background, and we're just goofy like this. (Speaking of swimsuits (plural), props to Tina for letting me borrow 8 swimsuits and look totally stylish/diversify my tan lines the whole time! Girlfriends rock!)

So today concludes my first week of writing full-time! Let me just say: it was a blast. I got to spring-clean our house, blog more than 2 times in a week, read LOTS of chapters in other books, go to the library (and check out 20 books that I cannot forget to return on time), and type type type away on my little laptop!

I also started a blog called "Butt in Chair" to relate to my writing career. This blog will remain as my personal blog. =) the domain name is http://www.keepyourbuttinchair.blogspot.com. Every professional writer will tell you that it's one of their biggest challenges, keeping their butt in the chair and actually writing. So...here's to the future...and lots of hours with my butt spent in a chair!

Credit vs. Debit

2010-05-05T12:31:00.004-05:00

So today I went to Wal-greens to get some of our disposable pictures that we took while snorkeling developed. They turned out great (although some of them of us with our masks on were HILARIOUS. Our faces were all smushy. Maybe I'll post one soon.) Anyway, I paid with my debit card, but I always select "Credit." And here's why:

I get REWARDS! I get 4 points to each dollar I spend because I pay 25 dollars a year to be a part of the Chase Rewards program. I'm definitely buying into their scheme to spend more, but I really have accumulated lots of points over the last year or two. (We RARELY redeem them...which is what they probably hope you will continue doing...haha)

Anyway, stores desperately want you to enter your "pin number" because they actually have to pay 1.8% of the transaction amount to the credit card company when you select Credit. That's why they make it very difficult for you to get away from a debit transaction. They have you hit some random button that you don't know about until you ask, then the cashier has to select "credit," etc. This whole scenario that usually happens at least once a day makes me assume that I'm being judged. This is what I assume is going on inside the head of the store clerk when I push or say "credit." :

"This stupid young girl is probably in so much credit card debt that she doesn't know how to stop. She even buys her groceries on credit?/She is buying a pop at the gas station with CREDIT? Get a hold of yourself. Did you know you have to pay those back?!" ...etc etc.

I always want to say, "this is actually going to be taken from my bank account just like a debit transaction would, but I'm trying to get rewards." lol. I care too much what other people think.

Has anyone else ever felt this way? or am I a total weirdo?

PS. I completed one of my bucket list tasks on our Jamaica vacation! Can anyone guess what it was?!? (see posting from a long time ago)

PS2. I'm going to be developing a second blog as more of a way to develop myself as a writer...a more professional blog! Updates to come

Jamaica 2010

2010-05-04T11:57:00.002-05:00

Jamaica 2010

Have you ever had a set of plans that seemed flawless? Maybe you spent months toiling over your plan, studying it and perfecting it only to have something come along that shatters the entire plan. That seems to be what has happened to Kevin and me multiple times in the last three weeks.

From my last posting, you will understand part of our humbling experience.

The second part is related to our vacation. We had been planning what we thought was to be an amazing trip through Europe! We booked the vacation last October, and paid for the whole entire trip in full four months ago. The trip was to London, Paris, Switzerland, the French Riviera, Monaco, Florence, and Rome. Hours were spent at Borders studying books on these places, mapping out our top stops and eats in each city, and getting ridiculously excited. We even spent the day I had to get surgery thinking about how wonderful 'next week' would be as we ventured through the streets of Paris, toured the Coliseum where Paul preached, overlooked the Swiss Alps, and on and on.

The night before we were to fly out of Chicago into London, we got a 1-800 call in the middle of the night. I was pissed that some salesperson was calling at 2am...but in the morning we listened to the message. It was American Airlines letting us know that our flight had been cancelled due to the volcanic ash from Iceland's Eyjafjallajokull volcano that had been erupting for days. We found out later that over 100,000 flights had/have been cancelled because of this natural disaster. HOLY SMOKES!!

Once again, we were humbled at our small-ness and God's big-ness. Sometimes I pray, "God, make me small in my life and make yourself BIGGER." And oh man, has God been answering that prayer.

We spent a day toiling over where to go on our 2 weeks off of work. We looked at driving up the coast of California, we thought about Disney World, and we tried to find a cheap flight to Hawaii. We looked at probably as many websites as we had when we were looking for our Honeymoon destination. After literally 5 hours of searching on our own, we decided to call a travel agent. She helped us find a wonderful all-inclusive resort in Jamaica. It turned out to be a great trip with a lot of opportunities to share God's love. It was no Europe, but definitely a great place to enjoy our relationship, spend time with God on the beach, and get some good tan lines.

This last month has just gone to show that we are so much less in-control of our lives than we thought we were. This is a sinful, broken world that we live in, and even though we are Bible-believing Christians, we are not promised a life without struggle or pain. We have a new understanding of Grace, and we have a renewed closeness to the Lord.

He is a God of comfort, and Kevin and I both have never needed the arms of God around us like we do right now. It's a powerful thing, God's love. Phillipians 4 spoke straight to our hearts yesterday at church. "

What a crazy life this is. Praise God for his peace that surpasses our understanding.

And then sometimes life hurts

2010-04-15T02:15:00.003-05:00

I'm having trouble sleeping for the third night in a row. But tonight is a little different than the last two nights.

Today when we went into the doctor for our first prenatal "check-up," they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So we were actually excited, because we knew this meant we could go get an ultrasound and actually see our baby!

However, when we went in later to have this done, the technician couldn't detect any movement. She did another form of ultrasound that is more sensitive, and we could see the baby but there was no blood flow to the little body. It was probably the worst moment I've ever remembered in my short life so far. And I can't stop replaying it in my head. We were in a dark room, and I just can't bring myself to lay in our dark bedroom right now. Nothing else will stay in my head. And so we're just coping as best we can.

God is good, and I know he has a plan. In fact, the Word has been our biggest hope over the last 16 hours. This is what I read tonight:

"Life up your eyes on high and see:

who created these?

He who brings out their host by number,

calling them all by name,

by the greatness of his might,

and because he is strong in power

not one is missing.

...

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable (and this line is about where I lost it. This is the GOd we cling to!!)

He GIVES POWER TO THE FAINT,

AND TO HIM WHO HAS NO MIGHT HE INCREASES STRENGTH.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."

Oh, God I just pray that we would have renewed strength. We are so thankful for friends and family who have surrounded us in prayer right now, and we definitely want this to be something we look back on and Glorify God all the more for. This life is such a refining process...and it just hurts really bad sometimes.

Thanks for your prayers. Especially on Friday when I'll be undergoing a DNC surgery.

Thank you GOD for dying so we don't have to shoulder the pain of this world. You know how we feel. you are a God of understanding, and peace, and grace. You draw near to the weary and the brokenhearted. If I could have one thing, it would be your presence.

Love you all.

Baby characteristics

2010-04-06T18:44:00.003-05:00

So, I guess I can't help but blog about the baby growing inside of me "with our DNA" as our husband says. It's going to be so cool to see how he/she/they turn out!! haha. It's not declared multiples yet, so we'll just have to wait until our first appointment next Wednesday to find out all that fun stuff. I've inserted my thoughts in parenthesis. (Lame that I'm reading these things so early. But hey, it's the first one. What else can fill my nauseous life but reading weird internet articles?)

This is what the hokey internet quizzes/finder-outers say:

Congratulations! It's a boy! (The "necklace test", however, said GIRL!) According to the Chinese fertility calendar, you're expecting a son. Time to brush up on those baby boy names. (Are you kidding...brush up on our names? We have a list of 5 boy names and 5 girl names that we LOVE. It's going to be a difficult decision. I think we're going to wait until we see the baby to name him/her. Surprises are more fun!)

There's almost always a connection between genetics and environment. Musical talent is a classic example. People who have perfect pitch are four times more likely than those with only average singing voices to say that a relative has this natural gift. (I'm hoping for a future broadway star/worship leader... I'm just being honest. I love music/chorus/choir/madrigals/etc!). Yet research has also found that most people with perfect pitch started taking music lessons before age 6, and that only 3 percent of people who started voice lessons after age 9 have perfect pitch -- suggesting that both genetics and training affect one's singing voice. "It's simplistic to say that artistic and intelligence traits are determined by genetics, because even a gifted child needs the right environment to thrive," says Dr. Garber. Average IQ scores have gone up in the past 50 years thanks to changes such as better early-childhood education, experts say, not because we're innately smarter. And intelligence may run in families partly because bright parents tend to provide a richer learning environment -- by having more books, for example. In fact, two recent studies found that the IQ of firstborn children is slightly higher than that of their younger siblings -- possibly because they received more undivided attention. (this explains your ridiculous ACT score and valedictorian tendencies, and chemistry gifts Jill!)

"Almost all talents need to be practiced," says Dr. Carey. "Even if you're genetically predisposed to be a great basketball player, you still need to shoot a lot of free throws." The environment a child grows up in can also affect other genetic traits. "The impact of genes for height can be modified by the foods you eat," says Dr. Bodurtha. "And environment is enormously important during development and early childhood. For example, your child could have genetic potential for a high IQ, but if you drank alcohol during pregnancy, it may be lower." (good thing I didn't drink that apple martini that I wanted so bad the day before we found out. Our kids will need to get full rides for college since we're having like 5...or 3...or we'll see haha)

Sometimes, our children pick up traits we don't intend to teach -- just by living with us. Nora Flanagan's 1-year-old son, Kevin, was adopted but has definitely taken on some family traits. "My two brothers and I have the same up-to-something smirk, and Kevin's got it down to the last detail," says Flanagan, of Chicago. He also has a boisterous laugh that leaves him out of breath, just like both of his adoptive parents. "We keep in touch with Kevin's birth mother, who is more reserved, and it's been eye-opening to see how he's a combination of all of us," says Flanagan. (Babies laughing sounds are probably the cutest sounds I've ever heard.)

I'm hoping the kids get Kevin's laidback-ness, his sports abilites, his muscles, his hair, maybe my eyes or fingernails...ok I just love my hubby. I'm okay if they're just like him! Seriously, God has blessed me with such a leader and man of God in Kevin and I'm so excited to see how our little one turns out. More updates to come (like the actual gender in until June.)

We're off to Europe in 13 days....Itinerary to come...

Are you ready for a good laugh?!

2010-03-26T15:04:00.001-05:00

So I definitely nodded my head and literally belly laughed at a lot of these. Everybody needs a good laugh here and there. So here it goes: (excuse the cuss words, I didn't write these :)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. I sometimes rename them…..okay MOST of the time I rename them. Usually something really snarky.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

formspring.me

2010-03-24T14:05:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/oliviaishere22

March Madness and a baby!

2010-03-19T13:05:00.004-05:00

So I'm back. Contrary to what you may be presupposing, I do NOT enjoy my sabbaticals from blogging. But hey, life happens. LIFE REALLY DOES HAPPEN...because we're having a baby!

Here is the biggest news on the books this month:

1) Kevin and I are having a BABY! A real life bluberry sized child is growing in-utero. Pretty insane if you ask me.

2) Related to #1: the morning sickness has surfaced over the last few days. It seems to be trying to gain lost ground, as I had been experiencing no sickness/nausea for the last month. Dang.

3) Related to #2: Although I haven't thrown up or anything yucky like that, I sleep like an infant. I can't get enough! This kinda depressing activity VERY MUCH infringes on my productivity in life, and I don't like that. I'm a GO GO GO person.

4) I am officially un-addicted to caffiene. This in itself is a true miracle! I have made it a week or two at points in my college and post-college life, but never any more than that! You better appreciate it, little one.

4) It's MARCH MADNESS! and we love it. I thought the pic was fitting, with my belly on its way to basketball size over the next 7.5 months =)

So I have 2 brackets out there, one with Kansas winning and one with Duke winning (even though people have been saying they don't have what it takes. But hey, you never know. I always wish I was a psychic when this time of year comes around!) I'm doing pretty good on my first rounds! It's pretty awesome when I want both teams to win because I don't know which of my brackets is going to bring home the victory yet :)

So basketball is in the background here at my mom's house. I'm back here in good ol' Rochester on a mini "vacation" before a couple crazy weeks of work and then I'll be done recruiting and onto writing full time! So I've spent most of my "vaca" sleeping and feeling sick. A little bit of cooking, reading and writing as well.

It's funny when I tell people we're preggo. They always have lots of interesting things to say about having a baby...like "oh, good luck. I had 3 miscarriages!" and "Eat lots of graham crackers and ginger ale" and "DON'T DYE YOUR HAIR!" lol. Lots of good advice and some that is just weird! If you have any wisdom, feel free to add to the library. I'm writing down what people tell me, and I'm also writing notes to the little one. I found the cutest notebook and it was called the "songbird notebook" on the bar code sticker. So I've decided to nickname our baby "my little songbird" when I write to him/her/it. It's pretty fun and very inspiring. It doesn't feel too real yet though. Jeans are still zipping/buttoning at 7 weeks and 2 days.

More updates to come!

PS. My netflix Queue is empty. What are some good movies for us to rent?! what is your fav? (not scary ones...the little songbird doesn't like those.) Thanks.

I'm the starving artist type

2010-02-09T07:49:00.003-06:00

Hey! So big news since I last posted. I'm going to go for it...I'm going to be a starving artist when April rolls around! (but hopefully not starving for long; Kevin intends to feed me I think.=) I talked my boss last week about my decision to pursue writing full-time. He was all smiles! (strangely enough? haha) I think he could tell I was scared, because after he said "You need to do what's right for you" and I thanked him for understanding, he said, "What, did you think I was going to get mad at you or something?" haha. I said, "umm, no? I was just nervous because I care a lot about this job too." He was so understanding and he know's I'll be an all star trainer before I hand the baton off to the next person.

So bottom line, it went extremely well. God's hand seemed to be all over that decision, for so many reasons. The number one was my heart that wouldn't just let go of the idea. When you pray, HE WILL ANSWER. But man, taking the step to actually be obedient and give up a salary and just a great job is difficult when it comes down to knocking on the boss's door!

We've been talking about our "inner GPS" device in my setting goals class. The thinking behind this is that when you repeatedly visualize a goal (being a published, best-selling author, handing out your books and signing them...etc. etc) your mind does whatever it takes to get you there. Now it may not be in a plan or fashion that you created, but it will find a way to create that awareness and make actions that move you closer to your goal.

So when the career fair season (busiest recruiting time) is over, I will be waking up each morning at 6am to go for a walk and get inspired, and spend a few hours at my desk pouring over some masterpieces ;o) (ideal scenario). I'll also be able to keep the house nicer/cleaner and I already have so much peace!! I also am on the hunt for an awesome recruiter to replace myself with...so if you know of anyone who needs a job and is a rock star, let me know.

Man, God is so good. And I'm completely stoked for our writing group that started on Saturday at Panera. Some talented writers there ;o) feel free to come out, it's at Panera at 2pm in Davenport. Bring some stuff you've written and we'll critique each other's work in a professional and loving way. Or email it to me Oliviaishere2@aol.com and we'll add it to the mix.

Now, if God would just answer my prayers about the snow stopping. I'm looking out the window from Dunkin Doughnuts (where I left my debit card last weekend, and they saved it for me!) and looking at the mass of cars trying to drive through the messy, snowy roads. They're overlooked by the brightest white sky that hasn't changed in 36 hours. I can't run in this mess and I have a bad case of cabin fever that only 40+ temps and some blooms can solve (or a tropical vaca? lol). Only so many cups of tea can make the winter cozy, and then it's time for Spring. Freakin' Groundhog.

So what is God and your heart telling you to do?

Amazing Race Baby

2010-01-25T06:56:00.002-06:00

So the time has come for us to apply to the most amazing reality show on earth. THE AMAZING RACE. You know it's gotta be good when you have to sign a waiver with this clause in it:

All applicants must be in good physical and mental health and must be aware that, and

sign releases attesting that, the activities in the Program may involve risks and hazards,

and that participating in the Program may expose applicant and other participants to,

among other things, the risk of death, serious injury, illness and property damage

caused by the risks associated with their participation in the Program, including,

without limitation, the following: latent or apparent defects or conditions in any

equipment used in the Program; the use or operation by applicant or others of said

equipment; acts of other people including, without limitation, acts of the Producers or

other participants; accommodations; weather or other natural conditions; the nature of

travel including, without limitation, latent defects and human error; applicant’s

physical condition; applicant’s own acts or omissions; sleep deprivation; first-aid,

medical or emergency treatment or other services rendered to applicant or others;

exposure to illness; consumption of food or drink; acts of God (e.g. earthquakes and

floods); laws or local ordinances; war or riots; terrorism; strikes; and/or no reason at

all. Applicants must understand and acknowledge that the above list of reasons is not

complete or exhaustive. Applicants must accept and assume all risks of injury, death,

illness or disease, or other damage to themselves, to others, or to their property, which

arise in any way from their participation in this Program.

HOLY MOLY. We might die, people. But man would it be amazing. This is assuming that we get chosen for the season that will film in late spring/early summer. February 14th kicks off season 16 so we are going to be watching and studying ;o)

We see ourselves as the next Megan and Cheyne (season 15 winners) but with more experience together and cooler names ;o)

Here's the deal, though. It seems pretty difficult to become the 1 white couple hat isn't inherently cool. They like to pick people who are like 70 year old with 22 year old, or Harlem Globetrotters, or former Miss Americas, or minorities. They haven't had a token Christian couple, so I'm not sure if we can play that card. We'll just have to trust that if we get picked, it was God's will. But we do get to make a 3 minute video, so we have to make that FREAKIN AWESOME.

For our video, we have a few ideas but not a ton. We're going to start out with us doing pullups and other crazy things in the gym, and then I think we're going to tell our top 5 ideas of why we want to be on the amazing race. Anyone have any other crazy-cool ideas we could add?

We're going to have the song "Remember the name" in the background (obviously the clean version). Here are the top 5 reasons that we'll discuss in the video and then I'll post it later this week when we complete it. It will be my fist go at video-editing, so if anyone wants to help let us know...We might pay you a portion of our million dollar winnings... ;o) But we need it done by Friday.

Reason #1: A Physical Challenge

Reason #2: A thirst for competition

Reason #3 We want to see the world

Reason #4 We love people

Reason#5 We want a BIG family

So I wrote out like a little script/screenplay...and here goes nothing!!

Rated "R" experience at Starbucks

2010-01-23T08:33:00.005-06:00

I'm sitting on Michigan avenue on a rainy Saturday morning because no other stores or fun coffee shops are open. The city is a bit slower on the weekends I guess. Hope the ice skating rink is equally slow when we go later this afternoon! If it's not cold enough to skate and re-live our engagement (haha) we'll go Shedd Aquarium! How fun!

So to start my day off on the right foot, a couple homeless guys who initially appeared to be getting along got into an F-word fest-fight as I stood waiting for my double skinny vanilla latte to come up on the bar. Needless to say, they were told to remove themselves from the store. Wow, exciting. (I heard it only takes 3 F-words to make a movie Rated "R." Hence, the title of my blog today =)

I'm totally pumped to meet Aubrey at Cosi for lunch, also to get bubble tea and dinner from Joy Yees in Naperville tonight with my sis and see her new crib!

We have been in Chicago for four days now for a big Central Regional meeting for work and it has totally been a blast. We had a couple big dinner/dance parties and I borrowed a couple dresses so I could feel fancy. Fancy is one of my favorite feelings. It makes me feel glamorous and lovely, and maybe a little sexy and fun. ;o)

Being in Chicago just brings back so many memories, big sibs, college friends, modeling stuff (blehh), and being here also invokes my inner shopaholic. I love it!

I'll be heading home in style. Peace out.

To self-publish or to fight your way into a big publisher?

2010-01-09T09:05:00.003-06:00

Writing+Reading+drinking coffee and tea=The life I want to live in 2010!

In terms of goals for this year, I guess I have a few. Health and fitness: I'd like to improve even more than I have over this last year. I'd like to get pretty "clean" with the way I eat. but I'm not sure how likely those are to happen, since I made a lot of changes in this area in 2009. I'd also like to get rid of my Shop-aholic tendencies ;o/ I'd like to read the Bible, 20 books, etc...BUT

The goals that are trying to skydive out of my brain into reality this year are the ones that relate to career choice and passion-pursuit. I have this intense desire to WRITE and PUBLISH books. I read once that 90% of the population in America wants to write a book at some point in their life. But SO few do it. Maybe 5% of those? And how many of those get published...I think it was something crazy like 20% of the 5%. I really would like to think that ONE of my TEN ideas could become a real book. How do I break out of the wannabe zone?

I set some goals in 2009 to get my books done or submit them for publishing, but it has only been over the last couple months that I've really taken to reading some serious publishing books. I get more and more excited with each page I read (good sign, I think) but the major problem lies in my current lifestyle: I work full time. I am exhausted and spent at the end of each day, and I am usually only able to squeeze 4-5 hours of SERIOUS writing each week. I could do more on the weekends, but I want to spend as much quality time with my husband as I can.

So, I had coffee with a wonderful contact through work yesterday. He challenged me to do some writing/publishing and just run with it. Even if I have to self-publish. And he challenged me to do it NOW/SOON/IMMEDIATELY/BEFORE WE HAVE KIDS/WHEN I'M YOUNG AND FULL OF IDEAS!

So I have been in a sort of dazed stupor as I face the decision of what to do. Do I just jump off the cliff and pursue my dream? All the books I read tell me that I should. "Just go for it. Make the sacrifice of income vs. passion and happiness. What better time to be poor than when you're young?" But...then the voice of reason and logic pops in. Plus it's not that I don't enjoy what I do as a recruiter, but it's just not as much as I would love writing for a living.

I can't wait until the only question I am debating over is whether I should submit proposals like a crazy woman to get into a publisher, or self-publish.

God, please give me guidance and strength to make the right decision!

2009 Recap and 2010 Goals!

2010-01-04T06:44:00.003-06:00

Well 2009 was quite a year, and I can say that it probably topped 2008 in eventfulness!

A little recap:

January-went to Florida with Ash Redman to visit a friend. Ran a 10K down there..got tan...avoided the negative 40 windchills that were happening back home!

April-Started Crossfit. The workout extraordinaire that has revolutionized both my husband and my bodies! (Now I can do at least 75 pull-ups...not in a row, but in a period of about 20-30 min, which means I can check "pull-up" off of my bucket list!)

May-Graduated from College and started my first "real" full time job at Northwestern Mutual as a Recruiter. Getting a paycheck and awesome benefits for working just as hard as you worked in college is GLORIOUS!

August-Went to Wisconsin with the work group to go skiing, boating, relax for a few days because Kev qualified for the "summer contest" at work

We also bought our house August, and we absolutely LOVE IT. It's perfect for us. This was a huge step! We were in a bidding war for it, and we definitely ended up spending more than we had planned. But it's one of those things that's worth it...and so much more!

October-Let's just say that RIGHT when you feel comfortable and like you know exactly what God is up to, you just might find out that he has another plan. Our church family has gone through a lot, with the result of two churches coming out of one. I think this is a good thing! The church Sacred City was born and has caused/allowed us a ton of room for spiritual growth as God prepares us for what is to come. Kev and I open our home for church on Sunday mornings now and it has been really exciting to see people grow and people come to church who would never have come with us before. There's been a LOT of growing pains/friendships that we aren't sure what's happening in/changes but God is faithful and we are confident that He will supply all our needs according to HIS glorious riches. (Phil 4:19)

Wow, so, but we'll leave it at that. Graduating from college, getting a house, the church (and maybe the pull-ups) are milestones in my life, and I don't want to forget to thank God for providing in abundance this last year! Whatever 2010 has to bring...we're ready!

2010 Goals to come...

What happened big for you in 09?? I'd love to know!!

Peace, Joy, Love, and Writing

2009-12-11T14:52:00.000-06:00

Moments of Bliss, Happiness, and Christmas

2009-12-11T14:18:00.003-06:00

I am once again going to chicken out on the Blog I've been wanting to complete about my theology of suffering. What do I think God wants? Where does the Bible stand on this topic? Well, I just DON'T stinking know. So for now I'll defer to a much more pleasant topic: The moments of bliss that have arisen from my afternoon on this sunny, white winter day!!

This time of year generally brings people a lot of strong feelings: hope, peace, love, joy, fear, depression, anxiety, etc. But mostly good Christmassy feelings!

Can I just tell you how wonderful this afternoon has been?!?

1) I took the afternoon off of work, because it is December 11th and I still have 2 whole vacation days left!

2) I had Noodles and Company's Macaroni and Cheese with Chicken for lunch! (A perfect Zone-Diet meal, I might add ;)

3) I came straight to Barnes N' Noble. It smells of book and coffee.

4) I stacked my tiny table high with delicious books, getting all sorts of stares from onlookers and employees.

5) I bought a cherry pastry and carmel machiatto that the barista screwed up, but it was still good!

6) I have been here more than 2 hours, and I haven't had to go to the bathroom and lug my computer and all

7) A hold a really amazing secret that brings me underlying happiness. (No need to get any crazy ideas. It's probably not what you're thinking.)

Those are the "Rising action" moments that made my afternoon so Glorious. Now I'll tell you about the treasures that I have found in my last hour and 1/2 reading!

A) "The Highly Sensitive Person: How to thrive when the world overwhelms you" by Elaine Aron. I found out that i am a pretty definite HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)! This explains my intense personality, my animosity toward loud or repetitive noise, my stressed reaction when I'm in a big crowd for a long period of time, etc etc! Family, do you hear that? This is why I am a light sleeper! This is why I am an artist and think more with the right side of my brain! And it's genetic. You can learn a little bit by visiting: http://www.hsperson.com/. I don't have super-sonic powers, as once thought, but I just need my time alone and in quiet. I can't be too bored or too overstimulated! This is what makes babies colicky. I'm not as extreme as some of the quacky people the book describes, but wow. Intriguing.

B) "How to make people like you in 90 seconds: Make instant, meaningful connections: for Interviewing, etc)" Perfect for my job as a recruiter. The main thing I took from this book was FACE YOUR HEART, open towards the person you're talking to. Give an assertive, energetic smile and greeting. You will immediately notice their interest in you and they will trust you more! Don't cover your heart, turn your shoulders away, or leave your coat buttoned or zipped. This open body language is 60% of how you communicate. Verbal words only account for 7% of communication, and tone is 33%. Fascinating.

C) "The Pocket Muse" (I can't figure out how to underline something on this writing format. Book titles should be underlined, not in quotes, sorry picky people.) By Monica Wood. This book is brilliant. I wrote a lot of her writing ideas and quotes down in my notebook. The pauper's book store...copying the best parts of books into my own writing. =)

D) The fourth book was the gem of my afternoon. "Eat mangoes naked: Finding pleasure everywhere and dancing with the pits!" by SARK. She handwrites her pages. She is full of wacky and inspired ideas. She makes me smile and laugh out loud! She makes me feel this intense love for the unique person that I am! She is so completely deviant and unprecedented in her writing. She even has an inspiration hotline! I dare you to call it and listen to her awesome self for the 3 minute recording. The number is 415.546.3742. Visit http://www.planetsark.com and you'll see what I mean.

I get this welled up feeling of happiness that makes me want to explode sometimes, and it's rare. I hope you all get to experience that every once in awhile. I did today, 2 times! And yesterday once. I never want to stop getting that feeling. It's like a little glimpse of God's love for us, I think. SARK's books make me feel that way. What gives you that feeling?

Be blessed this weekend!

In a sinful world...

2009-11-20T13:17:00.002-06:00

Wow it's been a long time since I blogged. I apologize to all 10 of my followers...and I hope that I can still gain your readership back. ;o)

We're loving our house and this wonderful season of life before kids. But the one area right now that's essentially tearing our hearts out is about our church family. A lot of changes have been going on in the last 6 weeks and it has taken a lot of us on a complete roller coaster of feelings and situations. I'd like to address some of the things Kevin and I are experiencing:

1) Fear: Fear that some of the relationships and friendships that were critical in our coming to and growing in faith will cease to remain strong. Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."

Fear that we won't be able to please everyone. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Fear that unbeliving friends, family, and onlookers will be disgusted at the lack of forgiveness and mercy within the body of Christ and have no desire to partake in anything of the sort.

2) Relief: Relief because two different visions were preventing the church from growing in harmony.

Relief because so many questions we've had about the Bible and theology are being searched out and discussed passionately.

Relief because our desperate seeking of God through trials is bringing a fresh revelation and hunger for the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.

3) Anger: Anger at Satan for causing dissention.

Anger at Satan for causing people to close their minds and hearts, even to people they love.

Ephesians 4: 31 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Col 3:13 " Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." The word of God has more power than our enemy.

Anger at Satan for trying to use this situation for his Glory.

4) Passion and Joy: Passion because a new season invokes all sorts of opportunity.

Passion because we feel God's voice and guidance more clearly than ever before.

Joy because God is in control and he wants to use us in a fresh way.

Things were handled how they were handled, and both "sides" feel that they were handled wrongly by the other side. People were hurt. But when the situation is discussed, it seems as though there's no hint of GRACE and MERCY and FORGIVENESS--even if they were handled in a sinful way. Do we not each sin against our Creator and Savior every single day?

The word speaks repeatedly of "one body." ie. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." Colossians 3:15. My study notes say, "The attitude of peace that Christ alone gives replaces the attitude of bitterness and quarrelsomeness. The attitude is to "rule" in all human relationships.

Can we not let go of this desire to "rule" and "be great?" "Humble yourselves...be like that of your servant Christ Jesus...who gave himself up even to the point of death on a cross."

In America do we even know what it means to be humble anymore?

In my next blog, I want to address some of the topics that are being discussed and get your feedback.

Best Pumpkin Bars EVER!!

2009-10-20T11:08:00.004-05:00

I love the fall...and the food is half the reason!!

I'm posting my favorite recipe for pumpkin bars, and you will freak out if you make them right. MMMMMMM. So good. The recipie comes from my mom, which comes from my grandma Heaton. Enjoy!

Photo by: Taste of Home

1 c. oil.

2 c. sugar. 4 eggs. 1 can pumpkin (regular size).

2 tsp cinnamon. ½ tsp. salt. 1 tsp. baking soda. 2 tsp. baking powder. 2 c. flour

1 c. nuts(optional)

Cream wet ingredients, gradually add dry ingredients. Pour into greased and floured jelly roll pan. Bake 20 – 25 minutes at 350 degrees.

Frosting:

3 – 5 oz cream cheese

6 T. oleo or softened butter

1 tsp milk

1 tsp vanilla

1 ¾ - 2 cups powdered sugar

Spread over pumpkin bars when cool.

Enjoy with no guilt!~!

Girl power

2009-10-05T08:30:00.002-05:00

My friend emailed me this awesome article. After reading this, I seriously have no desire to read magazines that have the same advice over and over about how to "walk off weight" or "lose those extra 5 pounds." Our bodies are made to run and climb and live. And I'm so happy that I have peace about my body, just the way it is.

By the way, this article was written by a Crossfit MAN. Props to Amanda Morgan from my work trip to Milwaukee for sending this to me:

If I were feeling a little more lawless, I’d gather all the copies of Cosmo and Seventeen, douse them in kerosene, and strike a match. I’d throw in reams of print ads from Calvin Klein and watch with delight as Kate Moss’ stick-thin image was reduced to carbon. I’d add copies of Shape and Runner’s World until the flames reached toward the heavens, and then I’d crank call the editorial desk at Muscle and Fitness until they stopped publishing pictures of women on steroids.

I’d get the master tapes of America’s Next Top Model and dub over them with “ Nasty Girls”, broadcasting the results on every television station in America. I’d skywrite “CrossFit.com” across the Boston skyline, and gently admonish the hoards of long distance runners trotting along the Charles River—with a bullhorn.

I’d take every woman with mass media-induced ideals of beauty, and I’d show them what it really means to be beautiful.

Beautiful women are strong and powerful. They are athletes, capable of every feat under the sun. They have muscles, borne of hard work and sweat. They gauge their self-worth through accomplishments, not by the numbers on the bathroom scale. They understand that muscle weighs more than fat, and they love the fact that designer jeans don’t fit over their well-developed quads.

They know that high repetitions using light weights is a path to mediocrity, and “toning” is a complete and utter myth. They refuse to succumb to the marketers that prey on insecurity, leaving the pre-packaged diet dinners and fat-burning pills on the shelf to pass their expiration date.

Beautiful women train with intensity. The derive self-image from the quality of their work and their ability to excel. They don’t wear makeup to the gym, and they wouldn’t be caught dead with a vinyl pink dumbbell. They move0Airon, they do pull-ups, they jump, sprint, punch, and kick, and they use the elliptical machine—as a place to hang their jump rope.

They spend their weekends in sport, climbing walls, winning races, and running rivers. They laugh as they sprint circles around the unschooled, turning the image-obsessed into benchwarmers. Beautiful women don’t care if they’re soaked in sweat and covered in dirt, if their nails are chipped or their hair out of place. They care only about quality of life.

Beautiful women are happy, healthy, and strong, and they’re right there beside me, tossing conventional beauty on the ever-growing flames of what used to be.

The Haircut

2009-09-15T23:21:00.005-05:00

So this is the story I submitted tonight for a writing contest...mostly for fun and to get myself writing. Leave me some comments/advice/feedback!

Story Title: The Haircut

I lay in bed a little longer than usual this morning, practicing the breathing techniques that Dr. Bolin told me not to neglect anymore. My stress levels can get out of control faster than I can my sedan can get me to yoga class. But this morning I was more excited than stressed. I had been looking forward to this day all week. Getting my hair cut was my favorite way to pamper myself, something I rarely had time to do. I piled the kids in the car, dropped them off at their respective schools and headed off to “Glow,” my salon of choice.

What made this trip so special was that I was thinking about getting layers, something I rarely dared myself to do. I never did anything drastic to my wavy auburn hair because my husband loved it long. But my monotonous routine was tempting me to pull it all out, and the headline from the checkout aisle magazine had plastered itself in my head since I saw it two weeks ago. “Freshen up! Chop it, layer it, lighten it! The cheapest face lift around.” Oh that is exactly what I needed today, a breath of fresh air in my life of endless activities. Nothing too drastic but I could use some layers above my chin in the front. I thought about how I would precisely describe the look I wanted to Cindi.

As I pulled into the parking lot at Glow, I noticed that the license plate of my hairdresser “Chop 82” was no longer on the usual jeep. It was now being sported by a white 2009 BMW. “Are you serious? My 27-year-old hairdresser is driving my dream car? Unreal.” I silently vowed not to hold it against her. Maybe her husband was doing really well in his new construction business, or maybe she had a rich relative, or…I put on a smile as the door swung open and my adorable hairdresser, trendy locks and all, welcomed me into what was to be an hour of relaxation.

***

“Hello, Janie! How are you?” I said, trying to appear genuinely happy to see one of my favorite clients.

“Oh I’m hanging in there, as usual. It always smells so good in here! It’s good to see you, honey. How are you?”

I wish I knew. Deflect the question. “Oh, same.” I gave what was probably a very lame looking smile. I felt like I was in a daze as I led Janie and her long red braid through the Friday morning bustle at the city’s best salon (no bias here) to my chair in the back room. Despite my mental battle against the images, I couldn’t shake the frightening picture of my bald mother from my head. I did it to her. I shaved the last few sections of weak hair from her pale head. Stage three...recovery is possible...not likely...breast cancer. The words grabbed my throat and constricted it.

“Are you okay, honey?” Dang it. Janie could sense my distraction, my disconnect. This wasn’t like me, but yesterday was the worst I’ve seen her. She has lost most of her hair, like the doctor said she would. I’ve never seen her look so awful. Mom’s hair had always been a mass of gorgeous, chestnut waves. She loved the way I cut her layers.

“Oh, yeah. I’ll be fine.” Another forced smile. “Actually, things are just getting really busy at home for Keith and I’m just a little overwhelmed,” I kind of lied. Why is it so hard to open my heart to others?

“Overwhelmed? Are you kidding? That’s so natural! It’s okay. You can tell me about it.” She was so great at listening. Usually I was the one getting an earful from my clients, but today I didn’t feel much like talking.

“Thanks, Janie. That’s sweet of you.” I hesitated, “I really will be fine.” So same old trim today?”

“Well, …” her voice trailed on as I fumbled through my cabinet for my scissors and combs. I wasn’t exactly a morning person and had hardly beat Janie to the salon that morning. I thought I heard her say something about layers.

“Did you say layers, Janie? I’m sorry. I’m just not on top of things this morning.” I genuinely smiled as I pictured the framed image of mom from dad’s dresser-top. Her layers were framing her face so perfectly.

***

“Yes, lots above…uhh…” I gestured to my chin, and then went on to describe the magazine article that I had seen and asked her if she thought that would look fresh on me. She looked a little distant for a moment, but then her enthusiasm was overwhelming!

“Oh really, Janie? That is so wonderful! I think you would look gorgeous.” Her smile was contagious, and I relaxed a little bit. Cindi snapped the cape around my neck and walked me over to the sinks. As she shampooed and conditioned my hair, I felt the weight of it in the sink. I felt myself shedding tension as she massaged my scalp; I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. It was the best feeling I’ve had in awhile.

I think Cindi went through two towels to dry my long hair before she twisted it up on top of my head and led me back to her comfy styling station. She clicked through her ipod and selected a feel-good, girly mix before she swirled my chair around for me to face the flower mural on the opposite wall. Cindi, liked to cut, color, and style her clients’ hair without them facing her vanity. She felt that it gave her a creative license and I more than trusted her consistent skills. She started humming harmony aloud to a Colbie Callet song I didn’t know.

***

Snip. I started chopping away. Janie’s hair really needed this, and I was thrilled. The image of a young girl who had lost her hair from chemotherapy opening a pink box with a beautiful wavy red wig inside almost brought tears to my eyes. My mind darted back to my bald mom. Snip. Shoulder length would be all it took for Janie since her hair was already so far down her back. Snip snip. I carefully caught the pieces of the wet hair in my left hand and placed them on my small counter.

I thought Janie was enjoying the “Girls just want to have fun” mix by tapping her foot quickly, but I sensed some apprehension. I snipped the final clean cut before I was going to start the layering and styling, when she blurted out “um, Cindi, how much are you cutting? It just feels like quite a bit.”

“Well, the Locks of Love foundation requires 11 inches, Janie. You knew that right?”

“Oh my God.” Janie wiggled her hand out of the black drape and reached for her hair.

“Oh Gosh, Janie?” My face had turned bright red. What happened? Had she changed her mind and I hadn’t even heard her tell me? She looked over her shoulder into the mirror and saw her gorgeous hair laying dead on my vanity. The look on her face let me know that my mind’s vacation over the past 15 minutes had cost me more than I even realized.

Janie started running her fingers through her hair and sobbing. I just stood there, tears rolling down my bony cheeks. We were two emotional women, crying for so many different reasons.

***

A hundred emotions charged through my body. Anger, fear, happiness, confusion, relief, curiosity. I finally composed myself.

“Um, what happened Cindi?” I stared into the confused eyes of my broken hairdresser, and she just stared back at me while her tears fell harder.

“I thought you said you wanted to donate your hair to locks of love,” she said through her tears.

She was crying for some other reason than my haircut, I could tell from my twelve years of mothering experience. What had I said that would have made her think that I wanted to donate my beautiful red hair? I tried to remember the exact word choices I had chosen so carefully just minutes earlier. “Oh my God. I said that I wanted lots above my chin. Referring to some new layers.” Cindi cupped her face in her hands and cried again.

I forced myself, with all the courage a mother can muster in a situation of high stress and emotion, to calm down about my botched hair. I thought of my husband and what his reaction would be. In those few moments, I gulped a few well-practiced deep breaths.

“Honey, why don’t you tell me what is wrong?” At that point, she spilled everything. Her mother’s battle with breast cancer. Her aunt she had lost just weeks earlier to the deadly disease. She told me about the car accident, and the SUV that her aunt had given her in the will. I cried much harder than I should have that morning at Glow. And I cried again when she described the pain in shaving the last of her mother’s hair. I cried not only because of her painful situation and my gross inability to see past myself earlier, but because I, too, had lost a dear friend to cancer just months earlier.

And to top it all off, we cried a different kind of tears as Cindy told me about her project. Cindi’s eyes sparkled through her runny makeup as she explained her plan to donate enough hair from her clients to make 10 wigs for the Locks of Love foundation. My heart, which had grown much faster in those few moments than the Grinch’s on Christmas morning, would be big enough to compensate for my loss of hair that Spring morning.

I took a deep breath. “All right, little lady. Let’s do this thing right, then.”

“I think you look gorgeous. You look 10 years younger,” Cindi said timidly. “What do you think?”

“I love it.”

Needless to say, I walked out of “Glow” a new woman.

2009-08-27T07:36:00.002-05:00

So, I have this weird feeling that God has me right where he wants me and something big is about to happen.

Everyday, when I'm driving or just thinking, I can't help but just think about new ideas for the books I want to write. Last night, God totally provided like 10 new girls to be in my small group, and I was worried that no one would want to be in it. My small group is going to focus on "broken families" as well as other stuff, but that's what God has been laying on my heart big time. I really feel like He has taken me to a new level in my healing process, in my relationships, in my body's health, and the one that excites me the most is that I just feel like writing ALL THE TIME. I have so much I want to pour out onto paper!! Spending time in the word just excites me to share what he's teaching me, and it hasn't always been that way. It used to just be a "me" mindset. What can I get out of this today? Rather than "God, what do you have for me to learn so I can teach? What can I do for you?" And...trust me...I'm not finished learning this.

I'm going to submit a short story to Jodi Picult's contest in Good Housekeeping magazine and see what happens. That one has to be about something that relates to women today. I'm thinking broken families would probably apply to a lot of people. Jodi Picoult's stuff is really raw and real, so since she is judging I don't want a mushy gushy topic. I don't even care if I win, but I just love that GOd is bringing things to my attention and pushing me out of my comfort zone. I really needed to have an explosion of ideas, because writing isn't just the easiest thing to start doing on your few hours off each week.

I also need to get memorizing...because on my goals for 2009, memorizing a book of the Bible was one of them!! It's going to be either James, Ephesians, or Galations. I've already started Galations and Ephesians, but James has so much stuff that just speaks right to me!! I'll keep it updated.

Check this out. Olivia Ryan is already an acclaimed British author!!...but do you want to know the biggest BS of this story? Her real name is SHEILA NORTON!!! DON'T take my real name for your pen name, you jerk. I guess I'll just have to be Liv Ryan. No bitterness here...lol.

Have a great day everyone. Any ideas for the women's article is appreciated!! Here's the link: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/real/short-story-contest.

Peace out..

You know what's hilarious?

2009-08-15T08:14:00.002-05:00

I went to Google today (as I do every day) to ask about how you know how much furniture is worth.

So as you type in words, or a phrase, google feeds you what the rest of your query might be, based on the searches of highest quantity.

Here are some of the ones I thought were HILARIOUS:

I typed in "How to know"....and here's what popped up:

...if a guy likes you

...if a girl likes you

...if your pregnant (spelled this way)

...if you are in love

...if he loves you

( a couple more pregnancy ones)

...if a guy likes you quiz

OKAY, so the young people of today are asking GOOGLE if a guy likes them, and what it means to be in love. What are we going to do!

So needed to figure out how long it was going to take for a part on our car to get fixed. I typed "how long does ..." and here's what we got:

#1, ...weed stay in your system. (Awesome. this is the number one search when started with how long.)

2. ...it take to get a passport (related to the first one?)

3. ...alcohol stay in your system. (some classy people are using Google).

4.... it take to get pregnant.

5 ....sperm last

6....implantation bleeding last

7. ...THC stay in your system

8. ...nicotine stay in your system.

WOW. Can I say druggies?! I just think that our world is a little bit crazy. That reminds me of my favorite song from age 11-13. It's called "This world" by Cademon's call.

Oh that we could "Live in the world and not of it."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TT40h2DX9dM

Here are the lyrics:

There's tarnish on the golden rule
And I wanna jump from this ship of fools
Show me a place where hope is young
And a people who aren't afraid to love

This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need

This world is making me drunk on the spirits of fear.
So when he says who will go, I am nowhere near.

And the least of these look like criminals to me
So I leave Christ on the street

This world has held my hand and has led me into intolerance
But now I'm waking up, but now I'm breaking up
But now I'm making up for lost time

Sitting in your car to _________

2009-08-12T15:46:00.002-05:00

I'm at work right now...feeling oh-so-far-from-bored....ok that's a lie. Usually I'm so busy at the office. Today however, I reorganized. Being someone who isn't good at stuff like that, it totally zapped my energy. Then I looked online through thousands...well...tens of resumes to seek good people who could work at Northwestern. Then I called them all. LOTS of phone time today. Add in a few stressful house conversations and decisions and it has left me in an afternoon slump.

So you know how you can feel somone looking at you...Almost as if they are sending "I'm looking-at-you" rays through ESP? Well I definitely can. So I'm sitting here at my desk, back to the window, when I got that feeling. That particular feeling at work is rare because behind my office is a medical center parking lot that is rarely occupied.

I swivel my chair around to see a girl with a high curly bun, summer dress on, feet up, windows down, and "reading her book" with big sunglasses on...facing my office. The big sunglasses are the obnoxious part because everytime I turn around, (just now again) it seems as though she's staring right at me. She is parked in the spot closest to my window, and it's freaky. At least it's not a creepy man.

I'm going to stop looking and worrying about it, becuase maybe she fell asleep in that position. BUT i'm not going to lie. I don't like it! In the grocery store or wherever you are, it's kinda fun to stare back and pretend it's a contest to see who will look away first.

And...I shouldn't judge because sometimes I sleep in my car in random parking lots when I don't have time to drive home between things and I'm simply exhausted. That's when you know you're too busy :o) .

Do you spend a lot of time in your car? What do you do to pass the time?

I had to include this creepy tiny car...that I don't know who would drive! LOL.

A month of Love

2009-08-01T19:29:00.003-05:00

So there it is ladies and gents!! the new house!

August 1, 2009

Things I love.

1. August is the start of the season that I love. Autumn. It’s not ‘officially’ fall yet, but the trees can tell it’s right around the corner, and sometimes they help but put off fallish scents *~~mmm. Those cooler days are the ones that I just LOVE going on walks or playing tennis…or maybe running on the bike path by our new house…which I’ll get to in a sec. J

The smell of fall is FULL of memories for me. Memories of family pictures in the park, in our jeans and flannel T-shirts (we’re so mid-westerners). Memories of “back to school” shopping and tennis practice. Memories of bonfires and football games. Sometimes I like being nostalgic, and sometimes there’s so much baggage that comes with memories. Like…a family that used to be together. But it’s okay, we’re coping…moving on…getting stronger. It’s just not easy. Anyone who says it is…well, I’d love to know their secret.

I ALSO can't wait to see lots of my long lost friends and family when they come see my play! we'll celebrate my mom's birthday and just hang out. It's gonna rock.

2. I love the feeling of a job well done. I had a big presentation at work this week that I put a lot of time and planning into, and it went SO well. I wore my new black suit, and pretended I was like the mom from the movie “Cheaper by the Dozen.” (except she’s an author which is my total dream job. J Which is definitely NOT to say that the one I have now I don’t absolutely love.) I recruit potential super-star financial representatives and interns for the most stable financial company in America. It doesn’t get much better than that. I talk about it a lot, but it is the thing that consumes 1/3 of my life! (Other parts of life are accounted for by: Sleep for 1/3, Seussical the Musical & friends for 1/6, and Kevin for 1/6.)

3. I love my new French press coffee maker. I have been too scared to try it yet…it’s only 2 days old…well I actually JUST got my beans ground “French press style” so they’re big enough not to ruin the filter…but yeah. Any tips would be great. It’s scary looking.

4. I love online bill pay. I am such a disorganized person. WHen there are medical and dental bills that come in the mail, I usually am late not because we don't have the money, but because I don't even open my mail until 2 weeks after I get it. I am so busy...and just scattered. What the heck would I do if i were living in the 80s or 90s and had no automatic withdrawls?! We have every single bill we can taken out automatically, and it's so wonderful! If only you could an automatic gas fill-up with the click of a mouse...and automatic food pickup...etc etc. Does anyone else love this as much as I do?

5. I love looking through the IKEA and Pottery Barn catalogs because WE BOUGHT A NEW HOUSE! We agreed on a price a couple days ago, and they just asked us if we would move the closing date up to August 30^th ! HECK YES we will. I’m going to look at paint samples today, as well as buy some storage boxes and Tupperware so we can start packing! I’ll post a couple pics on here. If you’ve never bought a first house, you probably don’t know how exciting it can be. But just wait…it rocks. Even if you’re paying a little bit or a lot more than you wanted to ;o) . We got one that doesn’t need much but painting done, which obviously isn’t the smartest equity move, but our lifestyles just aren’t conducive to new projects. Haha J Do I feel a bonfire coming on!???!

6. Although buying a new house is probably the most exciting thing we’ve done since we got married, I love something even more than I love the feeling about our house. Last night our church praise band…SURRENDER…did a live recording at the Red Stone Room. Corporate worship is probably the most moving, most powerful atmosphere I have ever experienced. I am always touched by the Holy Spirit, even when I arrive 2 hours late due to rehearsal. I made it for the last song and for the prayer time, but it’s okay. I know that God is using the talented artists in our church for HUGE things in the Kingdom of heaven and I’m so blessed to be a part of the movement.

SO…sorry for the novel-of-a-blog-entry, but just so much has happened lately! I can’t wait for even greater things in the future to happen. God is so good…and so faithful…and though there are many things in my life that I’m confused about and that seem like unanswered prayers, I’m standing in faith that God will provide. “His mercy endures FOREVER.”

Busy nonsense...

2009-07-26T08:51:00.003-05:00

Why is it that I choose to live this overwhelming life? As the days FLY by, I have had countless moments where I think "ooh, I should write a blog/story about that," but the busy wind behind me refuses to subside for even a moment to allow me to write a thought down.

I get busy to the point where my head is throbbing, my neck and upper back are in huge knots, and I can't breathe deep enough. I paint my nails and do my makeup in the car. I drink too much coffee.

Here are parts of my problem:

I love people...but I forget to give myself time alone to relax. I probably don't even give myself 1 hour a week to just sit or read for fun.

I love my life...but I don't want it to go this fast without stopping to enjoy it. I'm only 22.

I love being busy...but when I go go go go go, there's always a day where I break down and can't do it anymore. Is this kind of stress avoidable?

I love coffee...the whole experience that comes with a freshly brewed cup of coffee...but when I am too busy to sleep quite enough, I become addicted to this poison called caffeine and my headaches plan their schedule around it.

How do you slow down? How do people EVER have time to garden? To lay out in the sun? To paint or write or sew? To eat a popsicle outside on a hot summer day?

This is a bit of a vent...and it's not as bad as I'm making it sound. I just need help incorporating fun, relaxing things into my life. I just let it get out of control sometimes. I'm also adjusting to my first full time job, and it'll just take time. I'm trying...but I really need God's help. I want to live a peaceful life!!

I did get a chance yesterday to lay out by our friend's pool. It was SO AMAZING to get some freaking Vitamin D into my body. I'm thankful for my summer trips being almost over. My weekends exist now!

A partial contributor to my life of stress is Seussical the Musical that I'm in, which has been taking 3 hours of every evening for the last couple weeks. Our performances start in about 2 weeks: August 7-9 and 13-16 at the Quad City Music Guild, if anyone wants to come! It's going to be realllllly good, coming from a completely non-biased source :o) It's a ton of fun, just very time consuming.

Okay...so if anyone has any relaxation tips...bring them my way please!!

Thank you...I love you guys for reading my blogs. Please say hi to me on here so I don't feel "Alone in the [blogging] universe." (<-seussical reference ..haha...my life is a musical).

Peace out...

Costa Rica, An anniversary, and a week without internet

2009-07-02T07:13:00.002-05:00

HAPPY 4th of JULY! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RINqibpWOzQ

So click on that link to watch because my blog is all messed up. That song "God bless the USA" ALWAYS makes me cry. I'm such a girl! I absolutely LOVE this time of year! On this day last year, I was pretty flipping excited because it was the day before our WEDDING!

SO Alas, the time of year has come that we will be celebrating our VERY FIRST anniversary. And what a wonderful year it has been!

We'll be departing on Sunday afternoon for San Ramon, Costa Rica. You might be thinking, "wow, what an amazing anniversary trip for your first anniversary." Well...it's not exactly that picturesque. We'll be staying in the slums. haha. It's a mission trip, and we were asked to lead the trip. SO, this long weekend has been spent cleaning out the refrigerator, packing our bags, and shopping for some last minute craft supplies for the trip!

It should be a wonderful time. I'll get over the fact that I won't even be sleeping in the same bed as my husband for our anniversary (July 5th), being that the boys and girls sleep in separate rooms. We went on this same mission trip 2 years ago and it really was amazing.

Any prayers you want to send our way would be very much appreciated! It will be quite a long day at the airport/driving tomorrow, but then we'll spend the week playing with kids and bringing them the Gospel. I've been trying to brush on my espanol, but it's still pretty sad sounding :) If there were one skill I could magically acquire, I would want it to be the ability to speak other languages quickly and fluently!

So anyway, here we are, it's the 4th of July and I'm about to leave the country for a week and leave my precious new Mac. My writing time will be spent in my old notebook, but it will be refreshing. And I bet I'll come home feeling MUCH more thankful than I have been in a while. If you believe in God, please pray that I will get better. I came down with this horrible achy/flu-like/swollen throat sickness yesterday, and it's even worse today. I want to go to Costa Rica healthy!

Happy 4th everyone. I love this country.

Updates from Costa Rica when I get back...

Superpower Friday

2009-06-26T07:03:00.003-05:00

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed with life that you just are on the brink of breaking down? I really mean this today when I say TGIF!! (Even though tomorrow is a 12 hour conference at church and Sunday is all booked up too.)

I'm not about to go jump-overboard-crazy, but it could be in the near future. (And I don't mean that in a literal way.) I'm just curious and kind of nervous for what will happen when I start having kids. I do not want to have nervous breakdowns, be an energy vampire, a complainer, or a stressed person in life, and the way things are headed doesn't look good. I need to change something because I'm a frazzled and tired person 65% of the time.

If I had one magical power, it would be that I could fly. I think that could be the most exhilarating thing, and maybe it would be relaxing and theraputic. I was going to say that I wish I could make more hours in the day, but that would be screwing with God's divine plan for time. I mean, don't we all practically beg for Fridays to roll around?

Maybe I would wish for the secret power of never needing sleep...like the vampires in the Twilight saga. But I love naps, and I love cuddling up under the covers to sleep next to the love of my life during rainstorms and cold winter nights.

How about the secret power of never being tired when you wake up in the morning? Yes, that sounds SO LOVELY!! I would just wake up at 4am everyday! I would DEFINITELY do my hour of yoga that I've been neglecting, maybe go for a run, and spend some time writing until 7 when I needed to get ready for work!

Okay, I just thought of another SWEET superpower. I know people who have this one. I would like to be inherently NEAT. just never messy or sloppy in life (handwriting, dishes, desk, kitchen, bedroom, living room) I just would be so pulled-together and organized. What a PEACEFUL LIFE!!!

I guess I'm just going to need a few! ;o)

What would your super power be?

Atmosphere and People make it all happen

2009-06-24T07:56:00.002-05:00

Have you ever tried to sit down and enjoy your morning cup of coffee, but there is just stress in the air? Some coffee shops (a few Starbucks in this area have earned this reputation in my mind) just hold an aura of stress and distress. People rushing in to get their coffee hardly take a moment to smile or pause. Another coffee shop that I LOVE the atmosphere in has really awkward people working there...Therefore I can't enjoy my coffee in peace. (Not to mention their lack of wireless ;)

I'm in a new coffee shop today "Cup A Joe" and can I just say, it's the perfect little spot!

All the chairs have armrests, first of all.

Second, they're playing Michael Buble music and oldies.

Third, their coffee of the day was called "Fudge Brownie" and it's delightful.

Fourth, There are pictures under glass on each table.

Fifth, the coffee was only 1.30 so I gave the guy 2 bucks and got an amazing cup of coffee with a free refill.

Sixth, the ceilings are high and it's the perfect temperature: not too hot, not too cold.

I'm in heaven. I could sit in a coffee shop on my Mac all day long (especially since the battery lasts literally 4 hours longer than my Dell!) However, I do have to go to my lovely job. I enjoy my job, but not as much as I would enjoy the job of an author/journaler/blogger all day long. Maybe I should be a coffee-shop reviewer for a local newspaper (since they're hiring and everything...lol)

What is your favorite coffee shop like? Or maybe it's just your living room?

Stuffed to the brim

2009-06-16T21:40:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I think a hot dog eating contest is the grossest thing to ever be invented (perhaps??) but I feel like I just competed in one!!

I don't know why I do it, but every few months I forget how horrible it feels to eat too much. I did it today. It wasn't all at once either...but good things kept coming into my path...as usual in the corporate world. Sadly, today, I didn't turn anything away. Then, when Kevin and I went out for date night tonight, I ate a stuffed baked potato and frozen yogurt with a freshly baked waffle cone (probably my very biggest weakness). Even after dumping out a big scoop so I could get to the cone, I was hardly able to move.

You gotta hate those days where you just use little to no discernment :(

If I could eat guilt free for a day, this is what I would eat lots of:

1) Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies

2) Waffle cones

3) Pizza

Here are my healthy pleasures:

1) Salads...almost any kind!

2) Strawberries, peaches, and blueberries

3) Orange Juice

4) Milk

5) Oatmeal

6) Cereal

7) Lettuce Wraps

8) Turkey

9) String Cheese

10) Cottage Cheese (still gotta get my cheese).

I really do love healthy food! I just don't always do a good job of making it!

What are your favorite guilty and unguilty food pleasures?

I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart

2009-06-12T07:25:00.003-05:00

I think this picture is beautiful. I typed in "Emotional" in an image search, and this is what came up. But sometimes emotions aren't beautiful. I've had a really hard week. Work has been tough...people keep quitting the internship and no one wants to interview with me. We have a top 10 internship in the country and the #3 best company to sell for in the UNITED STATES but no one even wants an interview. They're scared of commission. I understand, but in a market like this, you'd think we'd have people groveling at our door for an interview.

I've had nightmares almost every night and have been on the verge of tears at one point each day this week. Being a woman and handling emotions carefully is pretty stinking hard. And to top it all off, I think about how much I want a baby at least 10 times a day. WHY DO I WANT A BABY SO BAD?!

I wish I could say that the reason I haven't blogged much this week was because I've been steadily and busily writing my novel...but oh how far that is from the truth! I just kept saying, "oh I'll take a day off" "I'll take a week off..." and so on. Therefore, I have to start again. And once rehersals start for Seussical the Musical, my free time is going down the drain! ...(Speaking of Seussical, though, it's going to be a really good time. My next entry will be all about it!)

But yes, it's been a crappy week. I felt like I was on a mountain top for a long time, and when I went out of town for the weekend and didn't get rested up at all/didn't get our house clean at all, it just all started sliding downhill. And here I am at the bottom, looking up, wishing I didn't have to climb so hard to get back up. Lord, I need you to pick me up...

This is my favorite love poem. Just something to pick me up on a day/week like this one.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

A pirate? A bell boy?

2009-06-06T11:24:00.002-05:00

This hilarious bell man at our hotel was actually wearing a pirate hat! So I had to get a picture. I don't think he knew what was going on though, when I held up my computer to his face! haha. I just said, "SMILE!!" and caught this classic moment. Probably not hotel policy ;o)

The Burnam

2009-06-06T08:08:00.002-05:00

Staying at a hotel right now that's right out of a stinkin book. It makes me think of Clue...it's very old school and GORGEOUS! but I could see it being ultra-creepy. Not to mention, the name itself is pronounced "Burn-em." It's cool though. I had a wonderful time at dinner last night with my little brother and sisters! We were celebrating my older sister, Jill's, birthday, and it's been since CHRISTMAS that we've all been together!

Funniest moment from dinner last night: I wanted to show off my new crossfit muscles to my siblings, right? So at one point in the meal, I whipped my arm into a flexed position and said, "I'm freakin swoll, ok?" At that VERY moment, the man working at Cosi walked up and said, "Can I take any of your dishes?" as he unsuccessfully tried to stifle his grin. It was embarrassing but its okay, because I'm used to making a fool out of myself.

Then the younger ones and I took the train downtown late last night and it was Jessica's first Metra ride, so that was quite fun.

Can I just share with you all how I have been so blessed this week.

I have been praying for God to use me, and to show up big in my life-even though I'm not specifically working in the ministry. I kinda wanted to go into the ministry after college, but I didn't feel a specific call just yet besides my writing (Which I hope will soon flourish into a wonderful ministry).

Here's how God answered my prayers:

In the last week I've just gotten a rediculous amount of opportunities to share the love of Christ with people. It sounds cliche, but my heart has just been so ful, almost to the point of explosion with Joy. Just hearing these people's stories and their struggles has really encouraged me to ask more people their stories.

You, people of the world, have fascinating stories to share. What I'm learning, that I was timid about asking before, is that you're dying to tell your story to someone who is willing to listen!

I CANNOT wait to see what kind of huge things God is about to do. We have to expect and ask big to receive big. I'm just BLOWN away, really. Getting away from home for a night has been really nice. I've had a few minutes this morning, before everyone got up, to just "be still and know that God is God." and the scripture "Taste and see that the Lord is good" has become SO vivid to me over the last year. I just can't help but be SO FREAKIN JOYFUL! I would go dance on the roof-west-side-story style right now if I could, but I'd rather not go to jail or heaven this morning, because it's a beautiful day. And we all know I want babies before I die, (and before Jesus comes back lol).

PS1. Just to let you all know, I'm blogging on my new MACBOOK RIGHT NOW!!!!! It's freakin awesome. I haven't figured it all out yet, but wow. It's crazy. I think I need a real mouse, because this clicker pad is weird and kinda inaccurate. Any tips? Do Macs not have a delete button that deletes from the right side? Because that will drive me freakin insane when I'm writing like a freak all the time. :o(

Ps2. My mom went to a writer's conference this weekend and I had her buy me a bunch of CDs from previous years...PLUS she got tons of tips. So inspiring. I'll report soon...

BE Blessed!

A life WITH God

2009-06-03T07:51:00.003-05:00

Okay people. I'm done with not making time for God in my daily life. And so are many Christians. Maybe you've hit a plateau and just can't seem to break through. Well, the 60-60 experiment is a wonderful option for you.

For the next 60 days, we are going to walk in unity with God. We will form the habit of talking to God and sharing our every moment with Him.

I'm in this group on facebook, and I think it's an amazing idea. Here are the directions:

The 60 60 Experiment

God wants to do life with you moment by moment. As you are willing, he will guide you into an amazing experience of life. Not where everything goes as you wish on the outside, but where God produces what you've longed for on the inside. This 60-60 Experiment can start you down that path as you learn to connect with God in a continuous conversation, using reminders every 60 minutes to reorient. The goal is a moment-by-moment connection, but this takes practice. Don't worry if you get sidetracked or off course along the way; just begin again.

1. Be aware of God's presence. With every beep of the watch or every reminder you see, stop and simply acknowledge God's presence with you, and thank him that he cares about you and wants to help you through your day. You may want to memorize 1 Peter 5:7 to remind yourself that he cares: "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

2. Converse with God about everything. The goal is to be mindful all the time. Open your mind to talk over with God all your thoughts, worries, work challenges, decisions, temptations, and failures throughout your day. Instead of just talking to yourself about them, talk it over with God. He will honor this as you stay diligent.

Think of it this way, you can't control the future, you can't change the past, but if you can have a good moment right now by living faithfully with God, followed by another and another, you'll have a good day - a faith-filled, fruitful day. And if you have a fruiful tomorrow, and the next day and the next, you'll end up becoming all God intended!

I hear people complain all the time about not feeling close to God, not sure they can trust him, not sure God cares. But they never committed to staying connected to God in their daily life, and when they do take time to communicate, the communication is 'one-sided'. Rather then doing life with God, it's all a religious, formal, ritualistic meeting for them. I'm convinced God desires an unrehearsed, gut-level, rigorously honest conversation throughout the moments of the day.

So you're getting cranked up at work, your stress level starts to red-line, and the beeper goes off--or you see the sticker on your computer, "Re:60-60". Are you aware? God's here! Open the conversation in the midst: "Lord, I'm getting wound up here. I'm feeling burdened. Jesus said, the life you want for me isn't burdensome (Matt. 11:28-29)--so help me. Show me how to do this your way."
Or maybe you're right in the middle of some thought or action you know is wrong. The temptation is to hide from God, but do you really think that's possible? No--it's just detrimental. So instead, you open up communication and ask, "God, what am I doing? I know this is not your will. Thank you that because of Christ, you forgive me for this too, so I don't have to hide from you. Come help me. Help me do the next thing right."
*********************************************************************************
Lets do this thang and see how God MOVES!! I'll be posting my updates. Accountability is KEY to living a life in the spirit! Let me know what you're doing to grow.

Peace!

We got too much stuff!

2009-06-02T07:03:00.003-05:00

Here's the deal people: We have too much stuff.

I am not obsessed with fashion, nor am I a shopaholic. (Well, maybe only a 25% shopaholic.)
HOWEVER, my closet and dresser are busting at the seams. If we have all of our laundry clean and put away *which I'm pretty sure has NEVER happened* it simply does not fit.

I heard once that for every new thing you buy, you should get rid of something old that you don't wear. I think that's an AWESOME idea because there are people who need clothes really bad.

Therefore, I'm instituting a "No Apologies" challenge for who can get rid of the most stuff. I took 3 pairs of shoes and a huge bag of clothes to Salvation Army yesterday but I still have much more to go through

I'm sick of being a materialistic American who has a closet full of things that I haven't worn in a long time. I KNOW it's hard to get rid of stuff that you think you just might wear someday. I want to bust that myth right now. If you haven't worn it in a year, you WILL NOT WEAR IT (unless it's an evening gown/tux). Toss it. Unless it's super cute, then sell it to Ritzy Reruns or a resale shop where you can get some moolah out of it! Clean out every drawer. Throw out the ratty, pit-stained, too small, or too big. You will feel SO much better!

Here's the criteria for stuff that needs thrown away, taken from another blog (Seeinggood.com)

20. You use the word “someday” to describe it—as in “someday I may want to practice make-up application using that mannequin head I found in my aunt’s attic.”

19. You forgot you owned it for more than a month, and remembering doesn’t evoke any type of emotional response (beyond generic statements, such as “I like it” or “I need it.”)

18. If you had a yard sale and someone offered $20 for it, you’d hand it over in a heartbeat.

17. If your friend gave it to you as a Christmas gift you’d make a mental note along the lines of “Give Lisa alphabet magnets and socks next year.”

16. If your friends asked you why you have it you’d turn into Deepak Chopra, saying something like, “We are all connected. You, me, that orange hobby horse.”

15. Its broken or, even worse, obsolete (i.e.: your old car phone).

14. If you decided to spend a year traveling you wouldn’t consider bringing it with you.

13. If you had to spend $20 every month maintaining it, you’d decide it isn’t worth it.

12. You’d admit it may be someone else’s trash, but have no justification for it being your treasure.

11. You cannot complete this sentence with an action verb: “I will use this to…”

10. If your child accidentally damaged it, your knee jerk reaction would be “I didn’t really need it anyway.”

9. It hurts to think about it: Your ex-boyfriend gave it to you. Your mother-in-law said you need it, but you disagree. You fit in it before your love affair with curly fries.

8. You got it from someone else and admit you’d never spend money your own money on it.

7. The Salvation Army might say no if you tried to donate it.

6. If you asked your mother’s opinion about keeping it, she might say something like, “Well, what do you think? That’s all that really matters!”

5. It smells like moth balls because it rarely sees the light of day.

4. Learning how to use it would take more time than you will ever devote. (And be honest—do you really think metal casting is your thing?)

3. You’re keeping it out of guilt—it’s still new in the box; it looks like something a smart person would appreciate; it’s a classic 500-page book you should have read freshman year in college.

2. You keep saying it could be valuable one day—but who are you kidding. You never want anyone else to have it!

1. You would never clutch it and say “My precious” in a gesture of playful self-mocking. (Assume you’re the kind of person who goes to medieval fairs and quotes Lord of the Rings.)

If it’s not valuable, meaningful, or important to your life, either trash it give it away. You’re likely only attached to the memory it holds, so why not just take a picture? Make a photo album of the things you loved but didn’t need and then reclaim your space.

Know any other signs? Add them to the list! Or if you have something that doesn’t pass the 20-signs-test but you still want to keep it, let me know. I’m fascinated by the way we attach to things.

June 2 still is considered Spring. So let's get our spring clean on and breathe a little easier!!

Now excuse me while I go try on 10 outfits before I got to work this morning ;o)

Mac time

2009-05-27T14:26:00.004-05:00

So, a sad update today.

I lost the last 500 words I had saved on my story that I wrote at work yesterday because I carelessly pressed the DISK picture meaning "Save" on the old version with my USB in the computer, when I meant to hit the OPEN folder. I HATE those shortcuts. That is not the first time that has happened to me :(

I don't remember what they were. But hey, it could've been worse.

I'm back up to 2701 words. I need a Mac and one of those things that automatically backs up your files as you go! (A time machine, I think?)

Good news is, we're getting a mac soon!!! I think just a Macbook. Any suggestions on Scrivner vs. Microsoft Word??

Novel in a Month

2009-05-26T12:36:00.002-05:00

Soooo....here it goes. I, Olivia Ryan, am writing a full-on 50,000 word novel in a month.

Maybe when I become a published author I will have a full inbox and actual comments on my blog ;o) Sometimes you feel loserish and sad when it seems like no one reads your blog. But hey, we can't start out famous and popular. It would make getting there way less fun.

I started yesterday and have 2,300 words so far. I'll be posting some updates...and I will need encouragement. It's so much fun to have free time to fill with things OTHER THAN Homework and classes.

I will be writing at lunch break, before work some mornings, and in the evenings after work. It's going to be quite an adventure!! I bought a sweet kit from B&N that will help me through and challenge me. Then, when I'm finished I can wear this sweet pin that says "Novelist!"

The book is called "The Ultimate Hotel" and it's a young adult fiction book.

A sneak peek of the main characters but very much subject to change, being that this is day 2:

Jackie Johnson- second out of eight children. She's the narrator. Cheeky girl. Dad is a lawyer; mom is a secretary at his firm in Colorado. They hire a nanny to take care of the kids during the day. Fifteen years old. Red curly hair. She is creative and funny, and everyone likes her. However, she resents her parents a lot for having so many kids because she never gets enough attention. She likes to be in the spotlight, so she resorts to being kind of rebellious because she wants to be noticed. Sometimes she can’t keep her mouth shut. Very creative but not very ‘book’ smart like most of her siblings.

Javen Lawrence-son of a very successful movie star mom, Cheryl Lynn. He is fourteen and lives a life of luxury. Lots of traveling. Dad is a producer. Parents got divorced when he was five, so he doesn’t really remember them together. He spends a month with his dad and his new wife in the summer. Otherwise he just sees his dad on holidays and one weekend a month. His mom has a jet that takes him wherever he needs/wants to be. Lives with his mom in California. Loves sports but has a private tutor so he can’t play on a school team regularly enough to get great. He has met every professional basketball and soccer/football star he wanted, thanks to his famous parents. He tries to stay out of the spotlight. Parents did a good job shielding him, but he definitely didn’t have a normal childhood.

Ava Marie Scott-is a shy girl. She has a couple close friends at school, and a tag along little sister. She’s brilliant. She skipped a grade, so she is in ninth grade but is only thirteen years old. She is awesome at science and math, but also receives the highest marks in her grade for reading and language arts. Her parents are extremely successful lawyers. They’re in Chicago for the law conference.

If you have any extra coffee, tea, donughts, or ideas you want to donate please feel free!

Wish me luck...

More Goals!

2009-05-14T15:57:00.002-05:00

We're learning over and over that having goals and constantly revising/taking steps toward them is the key to achieving great things!!
So here we go...

1 Year:

-Loving my recruiting job, bringing in LOTS of great reps and making new standards for Northwestern Mutual.

-Working on my writings/books every day at least 1 hour. (6-7 am)

-Getting my first book (The Ultimate Hotel) published around spring/summer 2010

-First Triathalong (sprint distance) ...(because I will be getting a SWEET road bike for my birthday next year, right honey?!)

-Fixing up our cute little house (that has not yet been purchased!)

-Constistently improving our marraige by going to the annual marraige retreat and having a weekly date night, in addition to Saturday morning breakfasts before yoga.

-Consistently improving our bodies by doing crossfit, yoga, running, and eating a little healthier.

-Kev has some awesome work goals planned but they probably wouldn't make relevant sense to people reading my blog.

-KYC and the ROCK is exploding with people hungry for God. We are raising up more leaders every month, and God is blowing our minds. Our family and friends love to visit with us.

3 Years (June 2012)

I just got home from the park with our one year old baby who fills my days with so much excitement. The baby loves laughing and being with people so we're careful to plan at least two afternoons each week to play at the park. I also get to socialize with our other mommy-friends and their babies! This baby is super healthy and happy, and life at home is good.

I happily drive a Honda accord that we bought at a reasonable price, with CASH. It's been about a year since I started staying home but I earned enough at my job to pay off our student debt completelty and saved a substantial amount for our new cars and the future.

Over the past three years, I've spent each morning from 6-7am writing novels. Two have been completed-one already published and the other on its way. Two more books are already in the works. And since I don't work, I have time to go for a run each morning while Kev watched the baby and gets ready for work. I spend the remainder of the morning reading (about an hour in the Bible/devos/praying) and writing (3-4 hours). My mind is constantly flooded iwth fresh ideas for stories. My publisher is awesome, we have a great relationship, and has also been encouraging me to write children's books!

I spend the afternoon cleaning and cooking a delicious gourmet dinner for Kev. We're so in love with God and my writings just flow out of the love and abundant blessings he has given me. The yearly marraige conference, writing seminar, and NMFN meetings keep us excited and ready for anything!

Our marriage is stronger than ever, and we're so thankful to have a sweet baby to personify the beauty, energy and love in our relationship.

We took a trip to Europe to sightsee last summer and it was an amazing bonding time for us just as a couple. We saw the Eiffel (sp?) Tower, shopped in Paris, ...maybe went to Italy?? I have a geographic deficiency in my mind. But we spent a 2 week vacatoin going to as many cool places as we could in that amount of time!

We have friends over for dinner/games at least 1 night a week, and family over more often than that. My parents either come to see us or we drive down to Springfield at least once a month (especially to see Mark perform on varsity teams and Madrigals and plays, etc!) . All of our grandparents know and adore our baby.

We don't dread our monthly budget/encouragement/constructive criticism meetings as we are consistantly revising and following our Dave Ramsey plan. We live within our means and life is comfortable as we prepare for future growing pains...

When people from youth ask for support for mission trips, we are quick to give and very generous. We're always looking and listening for God's voice as he pushes us forward in our faith and stretches us. We are his vessils more than we ever have been before. It's so exciting to see how God has multiplied in our faithfulness...

And the best is yet to come!

5 year and 10 year goals to come!!

Four point OH!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-13T07:32:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I am not writing this blog to brag. BUT, I can say that I've never been this proud of myself for grades in college. Hah! Maybe now I can be as cool as Emma Watson, who also gets straight A's.

I've had *some* focus issues in college (long distance relationship, getting married, moving, amazing friends, etc) that led to me getting lots of B's. In high school, I was a pretty solid A student, but I had my few B's. Rarely did I Have a clear report card. Especially in college, when A- was lower on your GPA than a 'real A'. SO, not that it was the goal of this semester, but I worked my butt off and actually enjoyed what I was studying (-->GOD) and whoA, just got my grades back. 6 FATTIE A's. lol. I am so overjoyed I can hardly explain it, and I don't even love school very much!

I went out with a bang, and that's all there is to it. The glory definitely goes to God.

Last night Kevin and I went to Applebees after watching/playing softball in the rain for 2 hours and shared our 1,3, and 5 year goals with each other. It was so exciting and exhilerating and I can't wait to post them on here...maybe later today...when I get home from work!

PS. Speaking of work, I love my new job. I work with wonderful people and it is seriously a HUGE blessing. I took the rest of our graduation cake into the office yesterday and hopefully now everyone likes me ;o)

College Memories!

2009-05-11T08:52:00.002-05:00

So here I am, a college graduate. Sophomore and junior years, I thought for sure I would never make it! I repeatedly wanted to take a semester off, but somehow I kept pushing through and MAN am I thankful!

I want to take a few moments to reflect back on each year of college. I'll try to sum each year up in a few words.

Year #1 Freshman at Wheaton College.
Missed high school and family. Loved college! Modeling= Insecurity. Dorm life (floor: 3East the Beast)! Kevin Ryan+phone+long distance=first true love. Swing dancing. HIGH ROAD! (14 day hardcore camping trip. three days of fasting= closest I've ever been to God or others). Set goals. Loved life. Naive. Babysitting. Phonathon (<--sp?) A's. Sociology Major.

Year #2 Sophomore at Wheaton College.
Tea parties. Aubrey was my roomie! Back on 3E. Phonathon. Steel Magnolia's (I was Anelle). Kevin Ryan+more in love. Lots of trips to QC. Difficult British Lit. Amazing Bible classes. Questioning what to do with my life. Parents struggling. Swing dancing. Tennis! Running! my own car! Walks with Rainey. Rejected to be RA...summer in the QC. Costa Rica missions. Nanny. God is faithful! ElementaryEducation/English major.

Year #3 Junior at Wheaton College/St. Ambrose University:
Ice skating+downtown Chicago+Kevin Ryan=Engaged! Parties! Terrace Apartment+Kristen+Amanda+Aubrey! Excitement. Love. Confusion. Transfer. Move to QC. Senior trip to Destin! Pictures on the beach (haha). First half marathon in St. Louis! Craziness at home. Planning wedding. Living with Ethel from church (lol). Sweet tea entered my life. Got my own apartment. Lived alone for 1st time ever! Parents divorced. Became an English major. Missed my friends. Best summer ever. Nanny. Got married and LOVED IT! Honeymoon to Domincan Republic. KYC: Led a very successful small group and loved it!

Year #4 Senior at St. Ambrose University:
Won Vacation with Kev to Wisconsin. Worked full time at Channel 6 as Account Executive! Became a theology Major. Fell more in love with God and Kevin. Jack Canfield inspired me to dream big. First Christmas tree! Worked as Kevin's assistant. Overwhelming school. Led small group for girls seeking their Identity in Christ. Ran second half marathon. Completed thesis paper on "Christian Marriage." Started Crossfit! Misses living close to her family and friends. Loves kevin more than ever, has more direction and faith than ever before. Aspiring author. Graduated from Ambrose!

SO here I am on my last day off work before I start grown up life! Tomorrow I will become a College Intern Recruiter for Northwestern Mutual in Davenport, IA. I'm pretty excited to see how I can help my husband's Agency get even stronger reps. It's going to be a great adventure. God really provided this job for me, and we are so excited to see what he is going to do in our family and in our lives...

I see my mornings/nights filled with writing and brainstorming. Tennis and running. Passion and perseverence. I see my days filled with dress pants and meetings...hard work and successful progress! My 20s will be filled with living life to the fullest, if nothing else...

Thanks to everyone who supported and encouraged me to get through a long crazy 4 years of college...and the 13 years of school before that! If you are feeling overwhelmed with school, please be encouraged! It goes faster than you think it will and when you look back, you have some amazing memories with friends and family that you would have missed out on if you didn't go through it! Success doesn't come without hard work, and it definitely took me a long time to realize that I'm capable of achieving a lot. I just have to make it happen!

Woods: On our very first day at Harvard, a very wise Professor quoted Aristotle: "The law is reason free from passion." Well, no offense to Aristotle, but in my three years at Harvard I have come to find that passion is a key ingredient to the study and practice of law -- and of life. It is with passion, courage of conviction, and strong sense of self that we take our next steps into the world, remembering that first impressions are not always correct. You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.

So in the words of Elle Woods, Congratulations class of 2009 -- we did it!

Audio mp3 delivered by Reese Witherspoon

Crossfit...here I come!

2009-05-01T16:52:00.002-05:00

So, I jumped on the Crossfit bandwagon as of yesterday, April 30 2009...and boy am I feeling it!!

Apparently, you get rediculous fit in a short amount of time! My back and arm muscles feel like they're about to bulge out right now! I did 21-15-9 clean+squats yesterday with the bar, and then 63-45-27 dips on a block. My triceps are crying out for mercy lol.

My lower body was already pretty in shape from running, so the 8 sets of 20 second squats weren't bad at all today...but the pullups, pushups, and for some reason situps were KILLER.

This is what I read on another Crossfit blog:

"Who says Crossfit girls aren't sexy?
The great objection to women exercising-namely, the fear of becoming muscular-is quite without foundation. It cannot be too often repeated that woman is not simply a weaker man: she is physically an entirely different being ... In women the muscles simply become firm, close-knit, and well-rounded, and show under the layer of fatty tissue intervening between muscle and skin only in soft, hardly discernible masses, just sufficiently to give a delicate moulding to the form."

*I'm not gonna lie, I don't really buy into this. Some of the girls on the website have BULGING masses in their arms, and I'm not really into that... so we'll see how it affects me.*

I kinda want to see what I look like with some serious muscle though , rather than just being fit from running. It'll be really fun. I'm always up for a challenge! And hey, what better way to end my COLLEGE CAREER (in 7 days AAAHHHHH) than SORE AS HECK ?!!

Oh what we humans will do for a hot bod! lol

Yoga tomorrow anyone?! we'll be stretching like crazy people. (that is if I can move...)

It's Spring Fever!!

2009-04-23T08:39:00.003-05:00

I am OBSESSED with Spring. This painting is called Spring Beauty, and I feel like I could be that girl. She looks excited like me. (I picked a pic of a girl, because it's proven that people look at a picture 8x longer if it has a woman in it, rather than a man or just an object. God made women beautiful!)

I didn't realize until this year that this feeling I get when it gets nice out is SPRING FEVER! My body literally aches to go outside on these gorgeous, fresh-as-cucumber days.

Here are the reasons I like spring in general:
1) Rain storms...a wonderful muse
2) A new beginning...winter blues are long forgotten!
3) I'm in the mood to be productive...and actually clean!
4) The chirping birds send waves of passion and delight through the air, awakening every molecule of nature...the tiny buds on trees sprout, and the flowers peek their little stems out of the wet soil, and midwesterners come out of hibernation mode!
5) It feels like track season so I'm in the mood to run.
6) It's almost time for me to not be pale anymore! (except, I'm kinda on a save-my-skin kick, so sunless tanner is the way I've been going...shhh)
7) Tennis...ahh finally
8) Easter!! thank you for coming out of the grave, Jesus. Because of you, we can live. Kinda a big deal.

Here are the reasons I like spring THIS year:

1) It was the year of a great (2nd annual) spring half marathon! I ran the St. Louis half marathon with my best friend, Aubrey (who posed as my husband because he decided a Cubs game that got rained out anyway was more important) and lil sis and her chillest-of-anyone-I've-ever-met roommate, Cindy! We all finished within 10 minutes of one another and I wasn't dying at the end this year like I was last year. Here's the link to some photos: http://www.runphotos.com/packages.cfm?file_name=69C/10767-5365-5366-69C_0645.JPG. this one is my favorite because Aubs and I are holding hands and our feet aren't touching the ground! It's like we're floating. (too bad it wasn't quite that easy!) The plan is to take it to the next level and do a full Marathon hopefully in the fall!!
Also, it's time for new tennis shoes. I ABSOLUTELY adore the feeling of light, white new tennies on my feet. *It puts a new 'spring' in my step.* lol. lame joke.

2) I am married for the first spring ever, and it just feels so peaceful and wonderful to go to sleep next to the man (or woman) you love after a beautiful day.

3) We're looking for a house! Another new beginning.

4) My muse is furiously working...a wonderful feeling that will hopefully lead to wonderful productivity

5) I am GRADUATING! May 9th, thank you JESUS!

Can I just say, if you haven't enjoyed the spring yet get off your little butt and go people-watch in the park, or just sit outside on your front porch. Or, whoa lets get crazy, GO for a walk or run in the park. Your soul will thank you!

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" ~Robin Williams

April prepares her green traffic light and the world thinks Go. ~Christopher Morley, John Mistletoe

Everything is blooming most recklessly; if it were voices instead of colors, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night. ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters of Rainer Maria Rilke

In springtime, love is carried on the breeze. Watch out for flying passion or kisses whizzing by your head. ~Emma Racine deFleur

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. ~Proverb

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so! ~Mark Twain

What are you looking forward to the most?!

2009-04-14T15:51:00.002-05:00

Okay besides Jesus coming back/Heaven, there are a few things that make my top 5 list of THINGS I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MOST IN LIFE! hmm, the pictures do not give anything away. don't be fooled! haha.

Here it goes from the things I'm least-most excited about to the most-most excited ;):

1. I can't wait to see who all 3 of my siblings end up marrying! My two sisters and one lil bro are a few of my very favorite people, and I can't wait to see the wonderful people that marry them!

2. I can't wait until I accomplish all the things on my 100 things before I die list. (it's an earlier blog entry if you want to see)

3. I am SO looking forward to growing old on one pillow with my husband. He will be a handsome old man. :) (We talked in my marriage class today about how our culture views sex as a thing only for youth, but older married couples are often the ones who get to enjoy it the most because of their deep intimate love on so many levels for one another...I think our culture way underappreciates the elderly and the wisdom they have about life.)

4. WHOA, 25 days until I am offically a college graduate. Need I say more?

5. Finally, and the thing I have wanted since I was 7 years old, is BABIES. And this, my friends, is the reason this blog is being written. I called my dad today to tell him of the AMAZING thing that just happened (which is that Kevin's mom's friend wants to buy 500 coupon books, so we have 5,000 dollars toward our MISSION TRIP!!! It's paid for, and probably part of our Africa mission trip too...Praise JESUS!) and I said, "Dad, I have amazing news! Guess what it is?!" And he said, "I don't know, you had 12 people at your yoga class?" and i laughed and said, "way better...." at which point I told him my story. But, when I got off the phone, I thought about how AWESOME it would have felt to tell him that the good news was that he was going to be a grandpa. We want to wait a couple more years, and even though I'm in full support of that, the anticipation is totally eating me away! This is definitely as bad as I couldn't wait to get married, but I know waiting is the smart thing. Financially, emotionally, and domestically we will be much 'readier' in 2 years. I just lovve BABIES and cannot wait to see what our little ones will look like. We want twins ...and then more! I want to stay at home to raise them, and write books on the side. I also can't wait to become a published author...so these two combined make up my biggest GOALS in life! God, if you want to give us a surprise at any point...bring it on! ;)

What are your top 5?

Our House

2009-04-13T10:19:00.002-05:00

The living room looks weird because our curtains weren't finished yet, but you get the point. Also the blue lawn chair...um, not supposed to be there ;o)

So this is our house! I figured you should know where I'm writing from so you can know me a little better! My wonderful husband and I love our little condo, but it's about that time to start looking at houses...with the 8000 dollar tax credit, we don't want to miss out!

If you see any great deals, let us know. It doesn't matter where. As long as it's more south than here...haha. Just kidding. We're probably in the QC to stay!

I just want a popsicle

2009-04-08T17:06:00.002-05:00

So, I've been in bed for 6 of the 12 hours I've been awake today.
Yes, I'm bored out of my mind so I decided to write a little poem.
It's called : Popsicle

I've got the spring sick blues
And I need new shoes
Woke up with a fever last night
Hate bein sick, don't you?

I prayed and tried to sleep
But I just feel so weak
I didn't throwup, but can't eat a thing
My day has been quite bleak.

I called the hubby to bring
just one quite little thing
but he said no, "he had to go,
to church real early to sing"

a Popsicle, A popsicle!
Is it really that hard to drop(-sickle)
off at the house, for your poor little spouse
who just wants a fruit flavored popsicles?
I don't care what kind it is
Cherry, plain, funny or fizz
One of those rockets would do the trick
Am I not more important than your biz?

I'll continue to wait right here
I'll be laying on the couch, my dear
just please come home without empty hands
I NEED a popsicle I fear.

If you get this soon, anyone, I will pay you to bring me a box of popsicles!

Adam and Eve...part II

2009-04-02T23:14:00.003-05:00

...this is a continuation of the story. See below for first excerpt...

Adam and Eve laid together and became one flesh. They were naked, and yet shame was not even a notion they could conceive of.

I went down to the garden that evening to be close to Adam, "mankind." What a wonderful feeling it is when I receive my creation's praise and devoted attention!

We walked through the garden-as would any father with his children-enjoying the sights and sounds and just savoring our time together. I tried to express my love to the two in words, so they could somehow get a better understanding of "Agape."

I told Adam and Eve that in the same way they loved and took care of the flowers, plants, and other creations, I saw them with a love so infinitely more profound. I declared, "Eve, you see the flowers and meadows as incredibly beautiful... But YOUR beauty enthralls me, for your gorgeous and pure soul coupled with your outer beauty leaves me speechless. And Adam, your work ethic and wild heart is more powerful than the very mountains I sculpted, the ones you look at with awe and excitement. Watching you two love one another and respect me makes us even more proud than we were when we witnessed our first magnificent sunset." Adam kissed Eve on the forehead, smiled, and took her trembling hand. My glory has a tendency to bring about wonderful, strange, and humble behaviors.

I told Adam and Eve that they, like the trees and animals, were to be fruitful and multiply. They didn't fully understand, but knowing that it had to do with another exchange of passion-they were thrilled. They were anxious to fill my abundant earth and govern it! They knew they would need my guidance and I promised that I'd be with them every moment of their lives.

Then, I walked them around the garden and gave them a tour. I explained each of our unique gifts to mankind and so many intricate workings. "The wind carries plants' seed and pollen and scatters it across the land so the flowers will multiply. Bees also help with the pollination, but they also create one of the sweetest flavors: honey! They make this by gathering nectar from the flowers they find. They fly the nectar back to their hive and place it in the perfectly built hexagonal honeycomb cells that they create from the outside in (another one of our little miracles). The honeybees carry the nectar, mix it with enzymes that have been built into a special pouch in their tiny bodies, evaporate water out of the nectar mixture to thicken it, and when it becomes honey they cap off the cell in the comb with beeswax. And walah, you have delicious fresh honey." We spent hours just talking and I explained so many things! They loved it, and of course, I loved talking about it too! They especially enjoyed the idea of camouflage-they thought chameleons got the coolest camo abilities. I wanted to share everything, but that would come with time.

We played the first game of dodgeball with the juicy pomegranates and pears, until the baboons started throwing fruit too and we couldn't stop laughing! We laughed at the crazy monkeys until we could hardly breathe, and when we were just about to wipe away our tears of laughter, we were swept up in a moment of reverence as a herd of majestic deer leaped right through the rolling meadow we occupied. They were followed by seven valiant white horses, who strode through the trees with graceful beauty. It was heavenly-that whole evening with my children.

I could see Adam and Eve eyeing one another (and I could feel their pulses racing, for we were walking in such unity!) I decided to leave them alone, though they were sad to see me go back to the heavens. For, my children, you know my presence summons a deep fountain of joy in the depths of your soul, and so it was intended to be when my creations walk with me and seek my presence!

We marveled at the two- Jesus, the Spirit, and I. I reclined in the glorious heavenly throne and closed my eyes, still governing each living thing with precision. We smiled ceaselessly. The wholeness of our creation was complete--*ahhh* and we were resting and rejoicing as our created universe swirled and cried out in adoration! Our love for creation and creation's love for us was in this moment united; complete; timeless.

We rejoiced both quietly and loudly that day... and especially the next day when we declared a day of rest! The perfect Shabbat, Sabbath. And how truly restful it was. REJUVINATING and peaceful like it would fail to be for quite some 'time.'

As you read, my children, I know that you understand the world and its workings in such concrete implications of time. But know that time is virtually nonexistent here in the heavenlies. A million years can pass like a day, for the joyousness of heaven is incomprehensible for you at this point. You will be pleased, just know that much. Please trust me! I KNOW YOU, and I know what is good for you! I am omnipresent, and omnipotent. My child, I AM GOOD. I AM. And as Adam and Eve were walking with every ounce of their faith in me, so too can you! I will help you, and I know you're tired and burdened. I want to give you my indescribable rest, the Sabbath rest and peace that surpasses your understanding!

So....I hesitate to go on. For to think of the spiritual battle that ensued is for me a heartbreak that you cannot even start to comprehend.

So again, picture in your wonderful complex mind the singing creation and us and all the angels in the heavens singing over it. It all resonated LIFE like humanity hasn't seen since that day. For what was about to happen next would change everything...

Coffee in my blueberry mug

2009-03-31T07:35:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting at my lovely little computer this morning, wishing I didn't have to get up off my lazy butt and go to class. It's cold, it might rain, and I just feel plain lousy.

But one thing I do have going for me is the delicious cup of warm chocolate flavored coffee sitting beside me, one very deserving of my last dollup of vanilla creamer. It's time to go to the grocery store!

All right---the verdict is in. I have just decided I'm going to skip my first class. I haven't intentionally skipped a class in like 2 weeks! That's pretty good for me :o/ I think a little nappy might do me well...and then I'll try to work on my paper that OH I have procrastinated on. It's due April 20th. "the theology of Marriage" This paper is laying the groundwork for future studies I want to do on divorce and how kids are affected by divorce. I figured instead of wallow in my own pain, I should do something about it! I want to design a program/curriculum for churches to use to start support groups for people going through divorce...as well as adult children of the divorce, teens, and children. It's going to be quite an undertaking...but hey, anything is possible!

Ahhh, I love skipping class. I'm going to go enjoy this hour and 1/2 ;)

Adam and Eve...part 1

2009-03-30T22:04:00.002-05:00

...And I "blew into his nostrils the breath of life"...

He stood up and dusted away the dirt that covered his carefully crafted body. He opened his deep brown eyes and was astounded at the sights and sensations. The colors were so vibrant- the lush cushy deep green grass under his clean feet. The intense blue sky reflected off the flowing streams all around the garden. It was so gorgeous- all my splendor imparted into each molecule and organism. But my most beloved creation was Adam, in whom I placed a soul, a most complex brain, and then-a heart, a heart to love me back with. Each function of his body was designed by the Spirit, my beloved Jesus, and I. Many ideas and perfections combined to form a sort of proto-type of us. Our breath and pieces of our perfection we interwove into this complex being. Like the angels, but with a most important trait: his free will. He would use this to praise and glorify us, his very creators! I entrusted him with the beautiful garden, things great and small- and in this gigantic task I equipped him with the abilities to accomplish such an endeavor; I gave him strong hands and muscles running through every inch of his statuesque body. And, Oh how I loved him! This beautiful man made in my image! I could cry just speaking of him, for I read his soul and it embodied so much purity. I warned him, though, "you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die, my beloved son." For I knew that I must protect this son of mine from the evil one! Also, My knowledge and wisdom were far too powerful for this creation to handle, in his finite mind. He smiled in understanding.

I chuckled with Adam as he murmured his first words and felt the vibrations charge through his vocal chords. He was delighted in every way, as was I! As he named the species, one by one, he realized more and more how creative and powerful I am! It was so fun to see him discover each special piece of our unique designs. We watched as Adam carefully tended to each section of the garden with ease and fervent care. All the while, I sensed his deep unspoken longing for a partner to understand and share in his joy. I looked from species to species of animal; the ferocious and sturdy lioness-the confident, playful chimpanzee- the colorful and glorious peacock...but none of our brilliant creations were suitable for my beloved Adam. Who could I create for him to give him even a glimpse of the love I have for him, for I knew his small heart couldn't withstand the magnitude of my powerful Agape!

After pondering and replaying my perfect plan with Sari and Jesus, I imparted a deep sleep upon Adam (a holy anesthetic!) While he lay asleep on the soft ground, I took one of Adam's ribs and tenderly sewed him back up. While he was healing, I formed the rib into a most beautiful version of my son, in a way that would complete him.

When they awoke, you couldn't put a price on the astonished look (not to mention a pounding heart) that overtook Adam. He grew short of breath and I steadied him with my right hand. Adam was virtually speachless. He studied and observed the contour and curves of Eve's body. This breathless look I'll never forget, but then again I remember everything :). He touched the scar on his left rib, then smiled up at me. He acknowledged me for this gift. So pure and vast was the gratefulness of my Adam's heart.

Oh as I looked down at the very first man and woman, I was overwhelmed at the glory they embodied. They marveled at one another, and again, all I could think was how good creation turned out. And for a split second, every person who would ever be flashed before my blazing eyes, and I cried out with joy!

I refreshed the land from within. I cared for these two beings as much as I cared for my own son, Jeshua. My Agape was abundant in the land...and the two found a soft place under a flowering willow, where they began to explore each other with wonder and awe....

**this is just a little creative spin on how I picture the beautiful creation of humanity.**

And there's probably more to come ;)

A bash on scrunchies...when you are wearing them XV years too late...

2009-03-20T08:57:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen someone wearing a scrunchie? Of course you have...in the 1990s! They were the coolest accessory around. A little scrunch of cloth around a hair tie, usually complimenting the outfit with ease. But I must say, if there is an accessory today that can send someone's style swirling down the wrong path...this one is it.

There was a girl in my class this morning, and usually every morning, who ties her ponytail back with a big blue scrunchie...Now I'm not saying that she's a bad person. But honey, scrunchies are 10+ years out of style. Heck, scrunchies were hot back then. YOu could wear them over a low ponytail, on your wrist, or however else you wanted to wear them. But girl, you are screaming to the world "I am still living in the 90s!"

These twentieth century pieces of scrunched up cloth are old school, in a semi-trashy way. My apologies to you if you still wear or like scrunchies. But, c'mon guys, we live in 2009! Wrap your hair tie in your own hair, wear a headband, wear pig tails, wear a banana clip, but just don't take the path of the forbidden scrunchie. It's kinda really...just old but not vintage or cool, you know? I hope I'm not alone in this thinking.

The 90s were sweet in their own way! You had:
1) People freaking about Y2K...stocking up their basements with food and water, as if that would have helped if the world ended.
2) The rise of boy bands. Oh yes, the heart throbs of every girl...Disney can make people fortunes.
3) MarioKart as the coolest game in the world
4) The rise of Ultimate Frisbee
5) Nickelodian (sp?) shows like Rugrats, Doug, and Are you afraid of the dark? (which scared the crap out of me!)
6) Umbro soccer shorts...soccer's innate coolness
7) Charm bracelets
8) The coolness/newness of lunchables
9) Beanie Babies..I still remember the name of my first one
10) Walkmans/portable CD players...old school version of ipods...and now they're like 5 dollars
11) Pogs
12) Warheads
13) Saved by the Bell and Boy meets world
14) Snap bracelets
15) THe yoyo craze
16) Surge...the coolest soda around...now we have surge on steroids: rockstars, monsters, and rediculous energy drinks/pills/gum/etc
17) SCRUNCHIES

If something is on this list, don't you think it should maybe stay in the past?

Quirky Me

2009-03-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

Mind Querks:

If you’ve been around long enough, or maybe if you’re quirky like me, you will realize that our minds are a strange place.

Here are some of my brain quirks…weird things I think and do on a regular basis:

1) When I’m running or walking outside and I see an ambulance with the lights off, I always think “Okay, body, if you’re going to have a heart attack, faint, or something else crazy, do it right now because then they can be my hero and save me!” Not that I want to have a heart attack, but that would be the opportune time.

2) If I see an ambulance with the lights on, I always pray for the person inside but I don’t think that’s too quirky.

3) I always do weird things with my fingers, like tap beats, but then I always have to do it with the other hand too, or I just can’t stand that both sides of my body aren’t equal.

4) I have an obsession with words. Sometimes I will get one stuck in my head all day long and just repeat it over and over…like a song but it’s just a word. It gets very annoying sometimes. One word in particular that seems to creep steadily into my dendrite infested mind is: juxtaposition. I don’t use it in conversation a lot, but it’s just a perplexing and “yummy” word you might call it. Just say it out loud, “JuX-tuh-poh-zih-shun” (would that be the correct phonetic spelling? Haha. I also love and get the word absolution stuck in my head.

5) I don’t want to touch a cup full of cold icee or frappucino goodness or fruity smoothie with my warm hands…I will never hold it where the liquid is because I don’t want it to melt or get warm! I usually drink these drinks quickly…I never get to savor them because I’m so afraid that it will be runny at the bottom if I wait even 14 minutes!

6) I also drink hot drinks fast so they don’t get lukewarm, but if they do, I won’t usually drink the rest.

7) I have an obsession with homophones. I made a list when I was like ten years old of like 100 or something homophones that my dad and I could come up with (i.e. Sunday—Sundae, eye—I, cite—site, etc.) and the good ones were the TRIPLE homophones (pair—pear—pare, two—too—to, their—they’re—there) and if you can think of a quadruple homophone, I think I’ll buy you an ice cream cone. No cheating though! (like google...defintiely a cheater’s site…haha)

8) When people say “oh my God” I hate it so much. One time in my bible study growing up, I heard that it’s like an arrow piercing God’s heart when people say that because they say his name in VAIN and it makes him really sad. So whenever I hear someone say that or a version of it, I say “I love you God” ten times so it makes God smile again. HAha. I’ve just always done that.

9) When I read, I write down big words that I don’t know and look them up in the dictionary afterwards. I want to have a BIG vocab…can you blame a girl?

What are your quirks?!

Dr. Seuss, Seussical the Musical

2009-03-02T10:33:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry I keep posting on accident! Here is my real post...

So, this is the ironic thing. I went to Google images to find a picture of Dr. Seuss's compilation play..."SEUSSICAL THE MUSICAL" when I saw the Google picture for the day! It's Dr. Seuss's Birthday so the Google people made their ! It was March 2nd, 1904 that Theodore Seuss Geisel was born in Springfield, Massachusetts. Today we pay tribute to Dr. Seuss' 105th! You must be pretty important to make it onto Google's universal radar, don't you think? After all they get approximately 112 MILLION hits a day!! (http://wiki.answers.com/Q /How_many_hits_does_google_get_a_day)

What is your favorite Seuss book? I was always a little freaked out by "Oh, the Places You'll go, but Green eggs and Ham and How the Grinch Stole Christmas stand out as my favorites.

So I just got a call last night that I will be performing in Seussical the Musical this summer at the QC Music guild! I wanted to be "Amazing Mayzie" but hey, I'll take a chorus role because I love theatre...and I'm energized by being on stage! Plus, the Costumes are SWEET and the music is really fun!

The dates of the show are August 7-9 and 13-18 in Moline, IL. If you can come, you should! Here's the website: http://qcmusicguild.com/images/2009-seussical.pdf

Here are my instructions for this wonderful cold Monday: (Compliments to Seuss)

Congratulations! Today is your day.

You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

You’ll look up and down the streets. Look ’em over with care.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”

With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,

you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

Out there things can happen and frequently do

to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew.

Just go right along.You’ll start happening too!

Seussical The Musical...Oh The places you

2009-03-02T10:18:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!!

Oh

2009-02-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

yoga and pilates pictures...ahh

How could I forget?!

And hopefully very soon we will be able to do all of these things!

When Yoga Meets Pilates

2009-02-26T08:47:00.000-06:00

I'm teaching a yoga-lates class every Tuesday from 11:30-12:30 and Thursdays from 12:30-1:30 at Rock Church! (and probably Saturday mornings at 9:30 AM if there is enough of a response...not starting until March 14th)

It's a very holistic exercise class...aiming to improve alignment, strength, flexibility and breathing to relieve stress/relax.

In this hour, we let our worries go...and let our bodies have a breath of fresh air! Haha. It's awesome. God has created our bodies so perfectly...the way they move and the way we've been blessed to move is SO AMAZING!

My desire to become certified was inspired by a wonderful woman of God, Jeannine, who taught me how to love my body and really praise the Lord with it. She was this GORGEOUS curly dark-haired, spunky, fun, amazing woman who came into my life for a short time when I was at Wheaton. She taught yoga, pilates, and ZUMBA! and MAN, could this woman dance. She spoke fluent Spanish (also something I am working at learning)...I think she was from Brazil.

I love people who inspire me to be a better human being. Especially those who you actually get to MEET! (and not just read)

PS. This is a very important, exciting day in my life. WE GOT INTERNET AT HOME! haha, so hopefully I will be online more. We are finally normal and I can post in my jammies with a cup of coffee every morning!

Prayer and Revelation

2009-02-24T10:34:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite writers/pastors is John Piper. He is a Wheaton College Grad and he also is just so full of the wisdom of God.

This is just something he wrote about prayer:

Life is war. That's not all it is. But it is always that. Our weakness in prayer is owing largely to our neglect of this truth. Prayer is primarily a wartime walkie-talkie for the mission of the church as it advances against the powers of darkness and unbelief. It is not surprising that prayer malfunctions when we try to make it a domestic intercom to call upstairs for more comforts in the den.

John Piper

God has really been speaking to me lately about prayer and its power...and my life needing so much more of it. It's been a while since I've really felt God leading me and speaking to me about something...and I'm so excited.

Contrary to my last entry, I feel so alive right now. I just feel like God is more real than EVER to me, and I feel that the truth needs to be spread in this dark country more than ever. I just read in my Bible about a day coming when people will want to twist the Bible's words to mean what they want it to...and we're still called to believe the truth of God's word. I'm experiencing a ton of crap in some of my classes right now...a "scholarly" approach to scripture that totally questions and undermines its authority. Gahh. It's hard to sit through those classes.

What has God been speaking to your heart about?

Cut finger, flu, and fainting

2009-02-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

Okay, so this is how our week started out. Kev and I woke up feeling likecrap on Mondaymorning. I stayed home to get stuff done/sleep when the most eventful injury of my lifeoccurred. The reason my words keep slurring together is that i can hardly hit space bar. HAH! I cut my thumb like it was a soft potato...EWW! WARNING: if you have an ultimate mandoline from pampered chef, THROW IT AWAY or be careful. I forgot to use the safety thing because I must have misplaced it.

My finger started bleeding profusely, but i figured it was just a small cut and I'd be fine. However, I couldn't stop crying half an hour later...and sorry if this grosses you out but it wouldn't stop bleeding. SO my wonderful hubby came home and took me to the emergency room.

The emergency room peeps became our friends. we visited again the next morning because kevin passed out and knocked his head on the drywall, broke out in a sweat, and had a 102 fever. SO, in addition to taking care of my achy finger, i'mtaking care ofmy very miserable husband and we're both totally amped up on vikitin. (sp?) The problem is you have to eat food to take vikitin and we're so not hungry halfthe time. I'm going to refuse to believe that I have the flu too. However I'm all achy and headachy too.

It's hard taking care of someone! I've never had to do it before, especially for 3 days! It's now that i wish my mom could come wash our dishes, make us soup, and take care. I miss my mommy... and Kev misses his mom too. I feel like I'm not a good care-taker. Any tips??

Trying to stand on the foundation that "THE JOY OF THE LORD is my STRENGTH"

Help, help, help

The Imitation of Christ

2009-02-09T08:43:00.000-06:00

Thomas Kempis has been totally rocking my theological views and challenging me like crazy in "The Imitation of Christ." It's a really old book (found at http://www.leaderu.com/cyber/books/imitation/imb1c01-10.html#RTFToC19) but there is a more modern version too.
It's my new favorite thing to read in my devotions. Here is an excerpt from today's reading:

The Sixth Chapter

UNBRIDLED AFFECTIONS

WHEN a man desires a thing too much, he at once becomes ill at ease

. A proud and avaricious man never rests, whereas he who is poor and humble of heart lives in a world of peace. An unmortified man is quickly tempted and overcome in small, trifling evils; his spirit is weak, in a measure carnal and inclined to sensual things; he can hardly abstain from earthly desires. Hence it makes him sad to forego them; he is quick to anger if reproved. Yet if he satisfies his desires, remorse of conscience overwhelms him because he followed his passions and they did not lead to the peace he sought.

True peace of heart, then, is found in resisting passions, not in satisfying them. There is no peace in the carnal man, in the man given to vain attractions, but there is peace in the fervent and spiritual man.

I really like the high language it's written in because no ones talk

s like this today...it makes it seem more full of wisdom! Today we love slang, abridged versions, and witty quotes. This book is not much of that but it's totally worth the time. It makes me want to savor my Christian life.

At the beginning he says "he who is poor and humble of heart living in a world of peace." I struggle finding a balance between desiring big financial goals, wanting to succeed and live in plenty vs. living an extremely modest life and giving away the wealth we earn. I feel like Jesus would do the second. He definitely wants us to be provided for, but why are we so quick to please ourselves? We buy all the gadgets, TVs, computers, phones...etc. but when it comes to a free will offering or even tithing it can be such a difficult check to write. If only we had eyes to see the spiritual...our desires would be so opposite! We say we don't ha

ve time to spend with Jesus, but we don't miss our favorite shows. It's AMERICA...lol, we never feel this struggle when we're doing missions in Costa Rica.

I just want to live in a world of peace....what do you think?

or...

Do you look like anyone?

2009-02-03T13:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes people say I look like the Be Delicious girl. Do you look like anyone?

2009-02-03T12:56:00.001-06:00

Okay. Question of the day: If you had one completely free day (yeah, right) and you could do only one thing and be in one place for that day, what and where would it be?

I absolutely adore books. I could spend every single one of my husband's paychecks at a bookstore or at amazon.com buying books. Used book stores are my favorite because I get lotsa pages for my paycheck...haha, but if I just had one day I would spend it at Barnes N' Noble READING READING READING all day long. I love watching people there, and I love reading books from every section.

My ideal day -I think- would be: Work out every morning at 8 am, drink a big cup of coffee with vanilla creamer, go workout for 2 hours so I don't turn into a catapillar, drink a big protein shake, and spend the rest of the day reading and writing whatever I choose...I'd be SO EXCITED! I would need internet though, because without connecting with people for hours on end, I go a little crazy. And I want to learn sign language. I'd bring in tutors to teach me cool things! And I'd invite people over for tea all the time. Okay, I could only do this for a week. I have to switch up my life or I get reallly cabin-feverish.

2009-01-18T14:07:00.000-06:00

I was reading a book at Barnes n Noble the other day…(my favorite store in the whole world). It was called Wild Succulent Women by SARK. Sark is an eccentric, fabulous author who is creative and SO inspiring. Her writing style frees my creativity more than anything else. (planetsark.com)

She says that “human beings are nothing but a story with skin around it.” You are your own story! I love this! It’s like we have no choice but to tell our story, because we’re living it.

She incorporates all sorts of wonderful quotes and things to get you writing.

“You can never get a cup of tea large enough, or a book long enough to suit me.”

-CS Lewis

I couldn’t agree more.

So I’m in Florida right now with my good friend Ashley. It’s awesome because we’ve had time to really relax, sleep in, celebrate my 22^nd birthday, and I’ve gotten to write a lot. I went back and read a lot of my journal from this past year (I try to fill a whole one up between each of my birthdays). I realized how many of my prayers have been answered, especially the one about God directing my path and directing me to the right people. I prayed a lot about my desire to be a writer, but not knowing if that’s right for our young family right now. I prayed about guidance, and truly this past year God has guided me so perfectly and so directly.

- I’ve been able to share my vision to write books and start a ministry for kids coming from a family with divorced parents.

- I’ve shared my vision to write a book for women who want to find their identity in Christ rather than in what they look like with so many women and girls who struggle with self image, and I cant wait to share my story and God’s healing with everyone I can.

This vision-sharing and dreaming with others about our futures has spurred me to actually sit my butt down and WRITE! I have outlines, sermons, and paragraphs in process. I’m so excited to share them with the world. I’m focusing on the divorce ministry right now and I will hopefully study it this semester for my senior project. (the spiritual aspect of Christian marriage/divorce, etc.) I’ll share what God is doing in my life through these writings, and maybe I’ll post small sections to get your feedback! I really appreciate your comments….and I need positive and negative feedback.

-“if you limit your choices to only what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.”

I want to write an autobiography someday, bur first I have to make my life auto-biography worthy…

SARK inspired me to write some acrostic poems in the margins while I was brainstorming the other day...they’re really fun! You just write a word vertically, and then fill in a describing word horizontally for each letter. Some connect to the next word, and some stand alone. You can totally just go crazy. You can start with words, names, places, anything!

Detrimental
Reckless
Idiotic
Noisy
Kinky
Interesting, &
Never
Great

Kind.
Ideal.
Never
Dry.
Entertaining
Races.
German.
Allows
Repeats.
Terribly
Euphoric
Naptime!

Colorful
Racy
Entertaining
Abandon
Totally
Innovative
Vicarious
Ingenious
Trecherous
Yonkers!

Wonderful!
Outstanding!
What?!!?!

Jewish
Emphatic.
Sinner-lover.
Undercover
Savior.

Assorted
International
Routes
Pressure
Olivia is sitting in one right now…free wireless yay!
Rarely
Timely

I dare you to write your own acrostic poem and post it!

Joy and Pain

2009-01-10T11:18:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I was talking to a wonderful woman that I have done some babysitting for. A few months ago, we talked about how she was starting depression medicine because the chemical imbalance in her head was so bad. She had finally come to terms with being a Christian, believing in God's healing, but still needing this medicine to help when someone in her church small group made a comment about Christians not having faith if they take anti-depressants. Being extremely sensitive to the topic, she immediately withdrew and was unable to confide in these friends.

I asked her yesterday how the medicine was helping and her response was hopeful! She said it has been working wonderfully and she hasn't had any deep bouts of depression, in fact not many mild ones at all. However, she was a little discouraged because she is an extremely joyful person most of the time, and the medicine seemed to dull this joy. It made me really sad to hear, because feeling joyful is such an amazing gift of God, and she truly was one of the most joyful people I've ever met! She still seemed to have joy, but to hear her say that she can't feel it as vividly was just awful.

It made me realize that I should cherish my moments and days of joy. They are so many...and I fail to recognize the blessing it is to have such profound happiness and joy. Some days and nights I have a 'low,' but now I know what it feels like to have both and I need to cherish them both.

It's like the seasons. It sucks right now to live in a freezing cold winter wonderland...(probably 10 inches today in Chicago) but when the spring, summer, and fall come...we can LOVE and enjoy the variety.

I'm definitely not saying that some people don't need medicine to help regulate their brain chemicals, but if you don't need it, you should be thankful and blessed. Even and especially when you have a day in the valley...

on that day you can pray this prayer from psalm 6:
7"My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes."

8"Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping"

9"The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer"
or from Psalm 5

"Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, My King and My God for to you I pray. In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation..."But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy temple."

God is so good...and will bring us joy!

Goals 2009...taking resolutions to a new level

2008-12-28T18:09:00.000-06:00

Goals 2009...finally I found wireless.

The “Free Public Wi-Fi” is didn't come through for me when i wrote this! So this was my unofficial Microsoft Word blog—because I was ‘iced-in.’ (meaning my car defroster wouldn't get warm, so the inch-thick ice coating wouldn't budge, no matter how hard I scraped! This car I'm referring to seriously is the sourest lemon you’ve ever seen. We got straight up lied to…not only does the heat only work half the time, but it has more than 110,000 miles on it-acc. to carfax- but the dude sold it to us with an odometer reading of “88,000” miles on it. How does that work? I thought the days of rolling back odometers were before my time. Apparently though, nothing is too low for Mike Tuttle. WARNING: NEVER buy a car from Mike Tuttle from Tuttle Auto Body in East Moline, Illinois. You will get royally screwed.)

My blog is not dead! Why? Because I quit my job. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it had to be done. I really feel like God has been speaking to my heart about what he wants me to do, and it’s not sell commercials for channel 6. It’s not selling anything at all…which is crazy because I always thought “Sales” was what I wanted to go into. I feel like I’m called into writing/ministry. I want to be a Christian writer and speaker. It sounds crazy, but I have this burning passion to write and encourage and support people of faith. So as a creative outlet and idea backboard, I’m going to write on my blog AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! That’s a goal and I’m writing it on my goals list! I will be reading my goals aloud every morning when I wake up and every night before bed…and you should too! Jack Canfield is amazing…if you follow his ‘success principles,’ it really will change your life (for the better.) One of his studies found that people who have specific goals, speak them aloud, and engrain them in their conscious and subconscious mind, will achieve them! If the goals are vague, however, the results will be vague.

“If you are bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things- you don’t have enough goals.”

–LOU HOLTZ- The only coach in NCAA history to ever lead six different college teams to postseason bowl games, and a man who also won a national championship and “coach of the year” honors.

My goals: (more than just new year resolutions)

1. I will write a minimum of 7 pages-single spaced- per week.

2. I will write on my blog at least 3 times per week.

3. I will complete a rough draft version of my “Picking up the pieces” book for children of divorced parents by 11:00 PM December 30^th 2009.

4. I will run the St. Louis half marathon on April 19 2009 and the Memphis half marathon on December 6 2009.

5. I will start leading a weekly support group for kids (ages 8-18) of a divorced or broken family (“Picking Up the Pieces” [PUP]) by 8:00pm on Thursday April 2^nd2009

6. Preach at KYC?

6. Memorize the book of Ephesians by December 15, 2009 at 10:00 PM.

7. Breakthrough goal 1: Kevin and I will have XX,000 dollars in savings by May 31^st, 2010.

8. Breakthrough goal 2: publish a book by December 31^st, 2012.

Einstein Quote

2008-12-17T10:33:00.000-06:00

My blogging days are not over...I just quit my job and I'm going to be a professional writer!

Is that a job? Maybe i won't start out officially 'professional,' but it's going to happen.

My goals for 2009 will be posted in the next 3 days. Look out everybody...

PS. My new pen name is LIV Ryan. What do you think? Better than Olivia? haha

Check out this awesome quote. I wish I had written it:

"We are in the position of a little child entering a huge library filled with books in many different languages. The child knows someone must have written those books . It does not know how. It does not understand the languages in which they are written. The child dimly suspects a mysterious order in the arrangement of the books but doesn't know what it is. That, it seems to me, is the attitude of even the most intelligent human being toward God. We see a universe marvelously arranges and obeying certain laws, but only dimly understand these laws. Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that moves the constellations." - Albert Einstein

BUCKET LIST

2008-10-31T12:24:00.001-05:00

Dude, Jack Canfield is BAD A
I freakin love this book: The Success Principles. Boring name, amazing concepts. I'm only like 5 pages in too...just wait.

Basically, it's point is: "It's time to start living the life you've imagined."
-Henry James
Author of 20 novels, 112 stories, and 12 plays.

SOO, Jack (Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul books...over 100,000,000 SOLD!!) that's 100 million. Holy cow. Here are some more amazing quotes, then my preliminary list for 101 things I want to do before I die, aka. my BUCKET LIST.

"Life is like a conbination lock; yourjob is to find the right nubmers, in the right order, so you can have anything you want." -Brian tracy-

"If we did all the thigns we are capable of doing, we sould literaly astound ourselves."
-Thomas A. Edison

"You must take personal responsibility. YOu cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself."

"Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone." -RObert Allen, the one minute millionaire.

"I've always been the opposite of a paranoid. I operate as if everyone is part of a plot to enhance my well-being." -Stan Dale

THis is my favorite:
Come to the edge, He said.
They said: We are afraid.
Come to the edge, He said.
They came. He pushed them,
And they flew....
-Gullaume Apollinaire
Avant-garde French Poet

So Here's the first 70 things on my bucket list, in no particular order:
101 Things to do before I die:

1. Go Skydiving
2. Publish a book
3. Make a minimum of 3 beautiful babies with my gorgeous and wonderful husband
4. Become a millionaire
5. Learn Espanol
6. Go to Africa on a mission trip to visit Carlos Wambua (June 2009?)
7. Write a song that is sung at my church
8. Learn a12 page piano concerto
9. Be a substitute teacher
10. Create a color coded, easy-to find, no clutter organization system at home
11. Attend a yoga retreat
12. Run at least 5 half marathons…one in Disney World
13. Visit California: Disneyland, vineyard, Hollywood, etc.
14. Build a house with Habitat for Humanity
15. Graduate from college!! AHH, this will happen.
16. Write a play, or a movie script (not that it has to be made into a REAL movie)
17. Make my own cinnamon roll recipe
18. Be the top seller where I work
19. Beat my dad in tennis
20. Make a million dollars in a year
21. At Christmastime, wrap each and every gift extravagantly.
22. Donate 1,000,000 dollars to Child Evangelism Fellowship
23. Speak to young women about self-image
24. Write a devotional book for women about self-image
25. Take the filler word ‘like’ out of my vocabulary
26. Learn Sign Language
27. Lead at least 100 people to Christ, I have to speak Spanish for some of them!
27. Buy a whole set of new furniture from a furniture store
28. Get a 15 foot real Christmas tree for inside our house
29. Ride in a hot air balloon
30. Vacation to Little Palm Island
31. Ride a double bicycle
32. Pay for someone’s (who needs it) big grocery cart
33. Learn how to crochet or knit
34. To overcome my fear of the ocean, go scuba diving
35. To overcome my fear of throw up, throw up at least once and help someone else when he/she is vomiting
36. To overcome my fear of flying, fly to 10 new places
37. Have a stranger and his/her family over for a gourmet dinner
38. Work for a week at Child Evangelism Fellowship Angel tree Camp
39. Make reusable grocery bags (and use them!)
40. Play in a women’s and also a mixed doubles tennis league
41. Completely forgive my parents for their divorce
42. Be able to locate 100 main countries on a world map
43. Teach yoga and Pilates classes *
44. Visit the Holy Lands
45. Memorize a book of the bible (longer than 5 chapters)
46. Purchase and wear Clinique makeup
47. Have two sinks and two shower heads in my bathroom
48. Eat Mangoes outside naked in a different country (weird, I know, it’s a book)
49. Go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up at 6:00 am for a week straight
50. Purchase a 4,000 square foot home
51. Grow a ½ acre garden with vegetables, roses, and tulips
52. Pay off debt entirely
53. Drink a beer in Ireland
54. See a Koala in Australia
55. Visit England and stay in a cottage
56. Hike for at least a day in the Swiss Alps
57. Write a memory book (of my life and the people who have impacted me)
58. Make a documentary for each of my children when they turn 18
59. Hire an interior designer and follow her directions
60. Throw a neighborhood block party
61. Bake 6 batches of cookies with my kids and take them to a homeless shelter/hand them out on the streets
62. Be on the Price is Right
63. Go Camping in Colorado
64. Throw a college reunion party at my house and invite my best friends!
65. Do an elderly person’s yard work as a family
66. Make dinner anonymously for a family who needs it
67. To get over my fear of giving blood, give blood 3 times successfully
68. Go an entire month drinking nothing but water
69. Do a mini-triathlon
70. Learn how to golf, and beat a 100.
.....

Tell me your bucket list!

My life is A TORNADO!

2008-10-21T09:19:00.001-05:00

If I were a cop, I'd give my life a speeding ticket.

I feel like my life is speeding by at the speed of light!

Seriously, I need to take time to slow down. Do some yoga. Write some stuff. Maybe my head would feel clearer then and I wouldn't be getting migranes!

I just wanted to say that my new job is awesome, but I work 40 hours a week and now I know why people complain about working all the time, haha!

Waitressing has nothing on this job!~

Anyway, I love my small group and I can't wait to do our Run-A-Thon and our Bakesale to raise money for the International Justice Mission and the village in Africa we're sponsoring.
The IJM rocks, check out their website at IJM.org

We rock at baking, and everyone should come support us on November 8th! I think we're going to be at Wal-Mart.

So in conclusion, I'm not dead! just busy!

Grace and peace!!

My haircut

2008-10-15T15:07:00.000-05:00

I said I'd post pics of my new hair-do that I was afraid to wear down for 3 whole days so here they are!

Yay my new job! I haven't started yet, but hopefully tomorrow!

Leadership...and being broken

2008-10-13T11:01:00.001-05:00

If you need an inspiring book, check out "Tribes by Seth Godin. This book is awesome!!
It's not explicitly Christian, but it talks about how this world desperately needs leaders, and we are those leaders! "Managing" is out, and being innovative and fresh is in. (I can't wait to read more than the first 20 pages I read on the elliptical this morning.)

I know I need to be reading books like this rather than the trash magazines hanging on the rack on the wall because they inspire me to MOVE!

I've felt so called lately to step it up in my leadership. My small group girls are counting on me to pray for them, and I've encountered a ton of situations lately that I have the potential to lead or start a movement in, but sometimes you need something to nudge you forward. I think this book will help me.

On another note, God totally broke me last night. I didn't know why, but I was just feeling really angry. I was getting upset at Kevin for the stupidest reasons, and I knew he wasn't the entire cause of my anger. I was just impatient and longing...and as I laid down to bed, thinking sleep would be enough of an escape, I almost robotically got up and started writing in my journal. That never happens...I'm usually spent and out of creative energy to write at the end of the day. So, I started writing and it turned into a prayer. And my prayer turned into questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD! Why do people abuse their kids? Why am I angry sometimes? Why do I worry about money when I've NEVER been without? Why am I horrible at fasting? Why does it hurt so much to be broken? In which ways have I been growing in the wrong direction that I need to be broken from? Why does divorce happen? Where is a mentor in my life right now? And then I just started crying, and I couldn't stop. It was the ultimate state of brokenness. I haven't been broken in more than a year, and it was unexpected. It was so necessary...and I'm still in this state. I feel vulnerable and excited. I feel tired and enthused. I feel like SEEKING with all my heart, and I haven't felt like this in a few months. I'm just so thankful that God never lets us go. That he wants us to bring our burdens to him, even when we don't know what they are, and free us from them. THANK YOU LORD!!

I think that as I get built back up, by prayer and reading and fasting, I will be able to lead better than I ever have before!

New Job, New hairstyle?!

2008-10-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

So I've been a lazy blogger. I kinda forgot about it, actually. BUT, I need help!
I've taken a new full time job (my first ever!) at KWQC as an Account Executive to sell commericals!

I'm so excited and it's kinda a big deal for Kevin and I!
So, I already went short with my hair after our wedding, and darker, but I think I need a new haircut. I have an appointment tomorrow with Missy, my amazing stylist, and I need you guys to tell me which hair cut you like the best. We're trying to go professional...

I don't know...post me a pic or something of one you like!! i need help guys. I'm bad at finding the hair styles I like online.

Cupcakes and sweets. I love them.

2008-09-29T10:51:00.001-05:00

I love whipped cream and anything sweet. I don't know why, but I was born with the sweetest of sweet tooths! I used to sneak candy and cookies at every chance possible, when I was a kid and it was limited. Now, I don't have anyone regulating me and I eat sweets SO very much! And I get whipped cream on every possible drink...ahh! it makes the drink exponentially better!

Part of the problem is that I love baking! I have started limiting myself to baking only when I can share with people. So call me, and I'll bake for your event!! Haha. Unluckily, Kevin doesn't have this sweet tooth obsession, so I'm usually stuck eating the majority of my creations. Thankfully, I love sweets enough to burn them off so I can eat more. I run pretty frequently and I'm only 1/5 of the way through life so my metabolism isn't dying yet lol.

http://www.flowerdust.net/category/im-idealistic-so-sue-me/ <-- I really like this blog. I wish I could make my blog look more savvy like this girl's. I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually, but when I was reading some cool new blogs today, I came across a picture of some cupcakes that looked so scrumptious and I followed a link someone had responded to and I was just amazed. Check out that cupcake. Fabulous.

Have a good one, and eat lots of cupcakes ;)

Everything is meaningless...

2008-09-25T09:35:00.001-05:00

Wow, Justin's sermon last night was powerful. Ecclesiastes chapter 1 seems pretty depressing if you just read it at face value. BUT thanks be to God that it's only the stuff UNDER the sun that's meaningless!!!

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

The stuff in my life that I need to remember is meaningless without God:
-School
-Marriage
-Family
-my Car
-My appearance
-the "stuff" i have
-Shoes...clothes...stuff I fool myself into thinking will make me feel fulfilled
-How successful of a job I can find

...ahh! It's such a relief that chasing "bling" in this world is going to leave us empty and wanting more! Thank God we don't have to chase until we're broke and alone. We already have the answer to a fulfilling life and it's God and His word.
I'm so thankful that I'm HIS!!

Everyone should listen to Shane and Shane's song: "Under the Sun" from their Pages album. It is so incredibly powerful and it is talking about exactly this...and how we need to get OVER the sun!
Here are the lyrics, but listening to the song is really powerful:

Sitting around the fireplace
With a friend who’s been through it all
Soloman, wisest one
Tell me what you have found
Under the sun, under the sun
He answered

Get over the sun
Where life is hidden

Then he put on
A somber face
Talked about how
The rich man will waste
Away in the ground
Where the poor man is found
Painted up, like a clown
Under the sun, under the sun
He answers

Son you’ll soon be done
A life spent on some shiny god
Who leaves you empty

Memories...an ode to my grandma

2008-09-21T16:59:00.001-05:00

It's the most amazing weather I've ever seen! I want to spend as much time outside this season as I possibly can. It literally just keeps me in an endless good mood! Since this weather and the sweet smell of fall makes me cherish memories from my past (wheaton college and from growing up) I'm going to post a few writings that I did in high school.

This one is a story of one of my grandmas. I have 3 amazing ones, but I just wrote this because I have really strong memories from my grandma's farm. You might get bored if you don't know my grandma and wonder what the heck I'm talking about, but that's okay. Maybe it'll evoke memories of your grandma or grandpa and inspire you to write something to her or him,too.

Grandma

I’ve finally learned to appreciate the people I love. I’ve realized that its around these people that I can be who I want to be: goofy, serious, comfortable, whatever the heck I feel like. I don’t feel self conscious or fat around them. They love me the way I am. Can a story be an ode? If so, this is a story-ode to my Grandma Bigham, the person who amazes me, intrigues me, and welcomes me. I never have to say anything around her, but I can also say whatever I want. I can just rest knowing she is there. When she is at my house, I know that the dishes will get done, the socks will finally get matched, and my parents won’t fight. It’s like LOVE enters the room when she enters the room. I love her spirit of giving and unbelievable wisdom. She never gets tired of me asking her to tell the same stories over and over. And she is a great cook. When we eat at her house, I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else in the world. The smell of that house brings out who I want to be. I’m carefree, I’m a kid again.

She took my hand after the play and I had a flashback. I remember sitting in her church pew, the one we always sit in when we go to that tiny united Methodist church where everyone is over 4 times my age and the piano has like 87 keys out of tune. So I used to lay in her lap when I was really little and sleep, or eat cheerios, or daydream. Then as I got older, I would have to sit up, and watch my grandma gently whisper to my little brother and sister, “Be quiet and sit still.” But one time when I was holding her hand, sitting by her, (by the way, it was a privilege sit by her because every single cousin wanted to sit there) and I felt her fingers. And I can hardly describe the way they felt, but I will try. The whole top section of each finger was smooth and fingerprint-less. The skin moved back and forth under my soft tiny fingers as I pushed the tough but smooth skin from side to side. I LOVED THAT FEELING. She thought it was funny that I was amused by her fingers, and let me hold her hand and feel all five fingers as long as I wanted. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how they got like that, because my mom’s aren’t quite like that yet. Maybe it’s something that happens to all people over the age of 70, but I think it’s a mixture of other things. I think it’s all the dishes she has done. It has to be over 10,000. And I think it’s all the times she has gripped the handlebars of the 4-wheeler to drive more water bottles out to the field, or a lunch in a red cooler if one of the ‘men’ forgot his, or sunscreen. Or to grasp the rough radio button that I could never hold down to relay an important message to one of the tractor drivers. Perhaps they got rough from squeezing through the ‘Fat Man Squeeze’ at Little Grassy Grandparent’s camp so many times, or from turning the pages of The Fourteen Bears, Brer Rabbit and the Briar Patch, and Goodnight Moon so many times. I think part of the reason they’re fingerprintless is that she has cut up hundreds, thousands of Charlie’s peaches and apples and pumpkins. Also, she has mixed up flour and chicken fat (eww) and other heavenly mystery ingredients for our favorite chicken and dumplings at least 200 times, and undoubtedly knows the recipe by heart. I think it is from the hundreds of kids she has picked up off the ground after they fell off the tire swing or off of the lime pile or trampoline. No doubt the hours she has spent with a comb and brush, fluffing her colored hair into it’s usual fluff ball has contributed to those finger tips. They’re tough and smooth from grasping a pen so tightly to write letters by the hundreds to her lover overseas at war. They’re worn from picking strawberries and blueberries at Charlie’s farm at six in the morning (to get the good ones before everyone else gets there!) They must be like that from making invisible good deed marks on the wall in the kitchen. For a while I thought the marks were real, when I was really little. Then I went through a phase where I thought it was retarded, that the marks didn’t mean anything and I could fight with my sisters and cousins if I wanted. But now, I’m right there with her adding and subtracting behavior marks. Her lack of fingerprints could also be from flipping through the worn pages of her Bible. Her extreme love of the Lord is so apparent-from even a short encounter with her. This is the kind of woman I want to grow up to to be.

I guess I’m growing up, but I’m still really REALLY young in her blue eyes. After all, I’m less than 1/3 of her age. It works to my advantage. A lot of her clothes from the 70s are in style now, and I raid the what used to be ‘dress up closet’ for actual clothes-hats, jackets, shoes, whatever I can find. I think I look pretty sweet and vintage in my grandma’s clothes. Its funny how things come right back around. Like the circle of life. When grandpa died, instead of dwelling on that indescribable loss, she poured herself into baby Luke and baby Grant. Now they’re growing up, and they’re learning the ways of the farm. My Grandma Bigham is the glue holding the Bigham farm together. She unfailingly beats the sunrise up, and I’m always stirred out of my light sleep on the living room floor by the gentle purr of the coffee maker. It’s not much of an issue though, when I groggily walk into the kitchen to find fresh peach and blueberry pancakes on the table.

Gosh, how her years make her wise. I have never heard my grandma yell. She has spoken firmly, but only when one of her grandchildren is doing something hurtful to themselves or someone else. It’s nice there, though, at the farm, to not have to worry about running around without a shirt**this was when I was younger, don’t worry** or in the street because there is hardly any traffic. (And the traffic there is, is usually tractors going an average of 10 miles per hour.) It’s far away from here, Bigham road, but it’s the most wonderful road I know. It leads to the most peaceful place I know. I’ve known her phone number by memory since age seven probably. The number is comforting, it’s comfortable. Just like my grandma’s lap. Just like her hands, just like her bed, her silkies, just like the personalized quilts she makes for us and has all over her house, just like her frail but enthusiastic little voice that could never learn to sing on key because of the out of tune piano at her church. There is a pew in that little Methodist church with their names on it, in Memory of Roy Dean and Irma Dorthea Bigham. They deserve that bench. They have countlessly loaded up children and grandchildren into their purple Lincoln towncar to bring them into that tiny town church so we could learn about Jesus. They have sung thousands of hymns sitting in that pew.

I hope no one who ever knew my grandma ever forgets the zest she had for life and for serving the Lord. I’ll never forget the way she filled up the cow feeding trough with water for our ‘swimming pool’, took us on nature walks, exploration hikes of every sort, let us pick up frogs, go fishing and make any art and craft imaginable. She also never let a good newspaper or readers digest article get past us if we were visiting. And if we weren’t there, she saves it until we come so we can read it. Now I save the good articles for her, too. I love my grandma so much, she represents life to me no matter how old she gets. Most of all she is love. I love you grandma!

Chicago has too many suburbs!

2008-09-19T09:31:00.000-05:00

When people say they're from chicago, if they mean chicagoland area, which means they could still live an hour apart..if not more lol. But it's okay, we're here in Wheaton right now!!

These are the things I want to do while we're here:

Walk with Rainey and CATCH UP! Check.

Eat Bubble Tea at Joy Yee's (AMAZING)

Eat Barone's Chicago pizza in Glen Ellyn (YUMMM)

Drink coffee at La Spiaza with Amanda

Walk/Talk/Eat with JILL my sis! (and our lovely host)

Visit my wonderful little twin flower girls' family

Shopping and Going downtown are out of the question because there are too many wonderful people to see!!

God is so good. I am so pumped up about Living Dangerously and being BOLD about my faith! Everyone should listen to the podcast or watch the video podcast of Kingdom Youth Church I attached the link...try to watch the one from September 17th 2008!

I gotta to to chapel! Ah, good memories from Wheaton :)