"To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."

           How can I be an awesome friend in the face of tragedy? 

*Disclaimer* --This is definitely an art and not a science, so don't take everything I say to be fool-proof.

In relation to my previous blog about miscarriage, a close writer-friend of mine, Katy, and I decided to collaborate on a blog that would help people know how to come alongside a friend who is grieving, especially as it relates to miscarriage. Miscarriage is such a "taboo" issue, rarely discussed and often misunderstood. Miscarraige seems to be hard for people who have never experienced it to imagine the child who died in the womb as a real child.  It's usually difficult even for the "baby daddy" to "get it." In my experience and also for some friends, husbands just don't always feel the pain and loss to the same magnitude as their wife who went through the physical miscarriage. This can cause the grieving mother to feel especially isolated and like no one understands.

            Furthermore, even close friends or family members who have miscarriages are difficult and nerve-wracking to approach because the grieving person is usually extra-sensitive. And by extra, I mean ridiculously, sometimes sensitive beyond understanding. Almost as if nothing said could be the right thing. (ummm, yes. I have been guilty of this!) 

            So in light of this tough topic, we wanted to share our experience with you about what helped us move through our grief. To read Katy's story with miscarriage, check out: her blog.

           Here we go....top 8 things to help you come beside your friend in this time of deep grief:

1. Accept it, Embrace it.

In an effort to help most likely, people have said lots of things to me such as:

"You're SO young, you will have kids someday." 

"You are such a great person, you deserve to have kids so I'm sure you will."

"You will eventually have kids, I'm sure it's just not the right time..."

The problem with those phrases is that they don't focus on the grief of THIS miscarriage and the tragedy it feels like. Depending on your friend and how they are grieving, they may not want to look FORWARD just yet. They may still be missing their baby and want you to meet them in that grief now.

People are so quick to want to pull you out of your grief! Although your tendency may be to make your friend laugh and talk about other things like the promising future (which usually at this moment doesn't feel so promising), your friend may be in a place where she needs you to enter into her grief and not offer advice moving forward.

It's always best to ask her if she wants to talk about the miscarriage...it's real to her. It happened. And she needs to talk about it.

2. Bring food, bring flowers, bring Starbucks: just know that you aren't going to fix it.

Personally delivering food or flowers expresses that you aren't afraid to be around your grieving friend or acknowledge the loss of their baby as a real death.

After our first miscarriage, three people delivered beautiful blooming flowers and plants, and it reminded me that life is all around us, and it will eventually bloom.

After our second and third miscarriages, only one friend brought over flowers and a note. This made this friendship stand out as especially real and comforting.

I felt especially alone after losing multiple babies to miscarriage, and it seemed like less people cared each time. Even with something as simple as not receiving flowers or notes. When my dad asked what he could do, I asked him to send flowers. I didn't want to have to ask. But it still helped. It gave me something to look at and remember what I was dealing with. It's not something that if ignored, will simply disappear.

3. Be there. Go out or stay in, but be available.

This point piggybacks on the previous two. Your friend might want to talk about medical things. She may want to recount the whole story to you. This is a huge piece of the healing process.

*Listen to her. Don't be afraid to enter into the pain with your friend.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15

4. Say something, say anything....just not anything.

Ask Ask Ask questions. She will tell you if she wants to talk about something else, but most people don't want to talk about the hard stuff and let you cry. This is so vital.

Say "I'm sorry."  If you don't understand, just say, "I can't even imagine how hard this must be, but I'm here to listen and I'm so sorry."

It's really meaningful when friends and acquaintances even simply bring it up. It's a death- a loss that she needs acknowledged.

Now saying something, doesn't mean that it's okay to say just anything.  As aforementioned, it's hard to hear people about the kids you will probably have some day. When the FUTURE is all people want to talk about, it's frustrating. Your friend my not be ready to move forward yet.

Avoid saying things like:

"It will happen, you have plenty of time to have kids." (Overly optimistic...this very well may not happen, and we just aren't promised tomorrow.)

or "That's why you shouldn't tell people until you're further along." (She probably already regrets this decision. It's in the past and will make her feel regret when she doesn't need more stress.)

If your friend is a believer, focus on the Lord and not other people or quick fixes. She doesn't want to hear about wives tales or what you or your friend tried/did to get or stay pregnant. (unless maybe you have walked where she is walking.)

2 Corinthians 4:18, "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

5. No offense (don't be easily offended)

Your friend may not be willing to talk about it. She may not hold back anything, and it may get weird. She may be rude about other preggos or people with babies.

Don't take offense at what she says. As a sister in Christ, you may want to just ask if you can pray over her if you are sensing a huge and hurtful amount of hostility, but she may just not know how to deal with her raging emotions. Be there. Have your defenses down.

6. Encourage with truth and promises of scripture. (HUGE!) 

Scripture is full of promises. We received a card in the mail from some friends who are so biblically rooted. It was full of scripture that PIERCED my heart like the Bible usually does, and I just read it and wept. 

These are some of my favorites:

 "Let your UNFAILING LOVE surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 

“And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” – Phil 4:19

“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3, 7

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved (made to slip, fall, or fail). Psalm 55:22 (Amplified)

He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6 

Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully. 1 Peter 5:7 (Amplified)

The Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (Amplified) 

7. Pray for. Pray over.

She needs prayer warriors in her life. Be one.

James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and PRAY for each other that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Romans 12:12 (one of my favorites) "Be Joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

8. Endure, Encourage, and Never give up.

Don't give up on her. The healing journey is long and daunting at times. It is to her, and it may be extremely hard for you to weather with her. Keep praying. Keep asking. Keep encouraging. Keep loving.

Blessings to you as you strive to serve and love your friends with the agape love of Christ.. And THANK YOU to all of my wonderful friends who have listened more than they probably cared to, and cared enough to make a difference. I am so thankful for you! I truly believe that I would not be where I am today without each of you. (corny, corny, corny. But true.) 

Friends

If you knew that you were hurting people, would you stop

or get up and move?

If you knew that you were living exclusively,

would you invite more to your banquet table?

If you knew that your friends were alone

would you step out of the world of you?

If you asked me these questions, I don't know what my answer would be.

I know it's a harsh world. I know it's hard to love others as you love yourself. I DO NOT profess to be perfect or close.

But if you would have asked me a year ago, would I ever have written this with you in mind?

That answer I know. I would have said no.

But now we question everything. What are your grounds for friendship? Do you have criteria? What was our friendship based on? And questioning those you thought loved you unconditionally hurts.

What is a friend? Someone who hangs out with you for a time because it's convenient and fun? Maybe it goes a big deeper than that. Perhaps people become friends because they have a lot in common and they make each other laugh. Maybe those people feel like they can be themselves, flaws and all, with a friend. Vulnerability. Loyalty.

I would hope that among Christians, it's deeper than all of those things. Christian friendship is a bond of brotherhood or sisterhood that should unite us in our struggle against flesh and blood. It's an eternal partnership. It should be a relationship where we can be flawed and confess to one another. Accountability. Strength. Biblical. Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."

Are there boundary lines for Christian friendship? Yes. There are times in the Bible were Jesus explains that friends can be cut off. We are to confront a Christian brother if he is living in sin. If he doesn't change, we are instructed to bring another Christian friend to confront him with. If he still doesn't respond, bring him in front of the Church. Only after a triple try and a triple refusal of that friend to live out the will of God should we cut our friendship short. It takes a bold Christian friend to confront this intentionally, and I think it's awesome that we have Biblical mandates that are this bold.

Whether you are a Christian or not, siblings are usually great friends because you're united by flesh and blood. You are family. That's why Jesus' friendship to humanity is described as stronger than even this bond. "there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." And for the first time in my life, this verse means something substantial to me. Some of our friends have left us. Our very closest friends live far away. We feel lonely in the friendship sense for the first time in our very social lives. Praise GOD that he is a friend when we need that. He can be a loving father, but he can also be a best friend. I used to say that Jesus was my friend. But I didn't get it, nor do I think I truly meant it. I didn't get it because I thought I didn't need it. Shame on me for not realizing this sooner!!

But oh nellie. =) When your friends in Christ stop including you in their lives because of a difference in theological beliefs, you need Jesus more than ever. It's a freakin lonely world down here without a loving, forgiving community around you. And this is NOT to say that we don't have wonderful friends who have been with us. Thank you to everyone who has surrounded us in prayer and physically in this dark season of our lives. It's just the idea of being forgotten by old friends. Frienships that we thought ran much deeper.

I would love to say that I never have or never will wrongfully abandon or fail my friends or family. I'm writing this to my selfish self too. I would love to say that I will never cease to be there for people when they most need me. But I can't promise that. I'm asking for forgiveness if I have failed you as a friend or sister in Christ. and I'm deeply sorry if I have ever hurt you the way we are hurting right now.

We are all failures and broken and human. Thank God for redemption.

(and we're getting a dog. I heard they're pretty rockin at the whole friendship thing.)

Jamaica Pictures and A new blog!

Kevin was a true stud on the trapeze in Jamaica! We have some videos of us doing it too. Pretty flipping exhilarating! --haha no pun intendedWe got up early on our last morning (5:30) and went out to see the sunrise over the ocean. It was beautiful, except for the mosquitos who loved our white-person blood. We wrote each other messages in the sand, and had the whole beach to ourselves.
This tree would have taken like 10 people's arms stretched out to hug it completely. It was sweet. The golf course was a little dry, but Jamaica is still a cool (well hot, but neat) place to make my debut on the golf course. =)
I got a Par 3!! Then I got really tired and bored, and the $25 cart sounded really good right around the 5th hole.
We had fun photo shoots in our room, as usual. I selected this one because we actually have a little tan, and you can't see our wet swimming suits in the background, and we're just goofy like this. (Speaking of swimsuits (plural), props to Tina for letting me borrow 8 swimsuits and look totally stylish/diversify my tan lines the whole time! Girlfriends rock!)

So today concludes my first week of writing full-time! Let me just say: it was a blast. I got to spring-clean our house, blog more than 2 times in a week, read LOTS of chapters in other books, go to the library (and check out 20 books that I cannot forget to return on time), and type type type away on my little laptop!

I also started a blog called "Butt in Chair" to relate to my writing career. This blog will remain as my personal blog. =) the domain name is http://www.keepyourbuttinchair.blogspot.com. Every professional writer will tell you that it's one of their biggest challenges, keeping their butt in the chair and actually writing. So...here's to the future...and lots of hours with my butt spent in a chair!

Baby characteristics

So, I guess I can't help but blog about the baby growing inside of me "with our DNA" as our husband says. It's going to be so cool to see how he/she/they turn out!! haha. It's not declared multiples yet, so we'll just have to wait until our first appointment next Wednesday to find out all that fun stuff. I've inserted my thoughts in parenthesis. (Lame that I'm reading these things so early. But hey, it's the first one. What else can fill my nauseous life but reading weird internet articles?)

This is what the hokey internet quizzes/finder-outers say:

Congratulations! It's a boy! (The "necklace test", however, said GIRL!) According to the Chinese fertility calendar, you're expecting a son. Time to brush up on those baby boy names. (Are you kidding...brush up on our names? We have a list of 5 boy names and 5 girl names that we LOVE. It's going to be a difficult decision. I think we're going to wait until we see the baby to name him/her. Surprises are more fun!)

There's almost always a connection between genetics and environment. Musical talent is a classic example. People who have perfect pitch are four times more likely than those with only average singing voices to say that a relative has this natural gift. (I'm hoping for a future broadway star/worship leader... I'm just being honest. I love music/chorus/choir/madrigals/etc!). Yet research has also found that most people with perfect pitch started taking music lessons before age 6, and that only 3 percent of people who started voice lessons after age 9 have perfect pitch -- suggesting that both genetics and training affect one's singing voice. "It's simplistic to say that artistic and intelligence traits are determined by genetics, because even a gifted child needs the right environment to thrive," says Dr. Garber. Average IQ scores have gone up in the past 50 years thanks to changes such as better early-childhood education, experts say, not because we're innately smarter. And intelligence may run in families partly because bright parents tend to provide a richer learning environment -- by having more books, for example. In fact, two recent studies found that the IQ of firstborn children is slightly higher than that of their younger siblings -- possibly because they received more undivided attention. (this explains your ridiculous ACT score and valedictorian tendencies, and chemistry gifts Jill!)

"Almost all talents need to be practiced," says Dr. Carey. "Even if you're genetically predisposed to be a great basketball player, you still need to shoot a lot of free throws." The environment a child grows up in can also affect other genetic traits. "The impact of genes for height can be modified by the foods you eat," says Dr. Bodurtha. "And environment is enormously important during development and early childhood. For example, your child could have genetic potential for a high IQ, but if you drank alcohol during pregnancy, it may be lower." (good thing I didn't drink that apple martini that I wanted so bad the day before we found out. Our kids will need to get full rides for college since we're having like 5...or 3...or we'll see haha)

Sometimes, our children pick up traits we don't intend to teach -- just by living with us. Nora Flanagan's 1-year-old son, Kevin, was adopted but has definitely taken on some family traits. "My two brothers and I have the same up-to-something smirk, and Kevin's got it down to the last detail," says Flanagan, of Chicago. He also has a boisterous laugh that leaves him out of breath, just like both of his adoptive parents. "We keep in touch with Kevin's birth mother, who is more reserved, and it's been eye-opening to see how he's a combination of all of us," says Flanagan. (Babies laughing sounds are probably the cutest sounds I've ever heard.)

I'm hoping the kids get Kevin's laidback-ness, his sports abilites, his muscles, his hair, maybe my eyes or fingernails...ok I just love my hubby. I'm okay if they're just like him! Seriously, God has blessed me with such a leader and man of God in Kevin and I'm so excited to see how our little one turns out. More updates to come (like the actual gender in until June.)

We're off to Europe in 13 days....Itinerary to come...

Rated "R" experience at Starbucks

I'm sitting on Michigan avenue on a rainy Saturday morning because no other stores or fun coffee shops are open. The city is a bit slower on the weekends I guess. Hope the ice skating rink is equally slow when we go later this afternoon! If it's not cold enough to skate and re-live our engagement (haha) we'll go Shedd Aquarium! How fun!

So to start my day off on the right foot, a couple homeless guys who initially appeared to be getting along got into an F-word fest-fight as I stood waiting for my double skinny vanilla latte to come up on the bar. Needless to say, they were told to remove themselves from the store. Wow, exciting. (I heard it only takes 3 F-words to make a movie Rated "R." Hence, the title of my blog today =)

I'm totally pumped to meet Aubrey at Cosi for lunch, also to get bubble tea and dinner from Joy Yees in Naperville tonight with my sis and see her new crib!

We have been in Chicago for four days now for a big Central Regional meeting for work and it has totally been a blast. We had a couple big dinner/dance parties and I borrowed a couple dresses so I could feel fancy. Fancy is one of my favorite feelings. It makes me feel glamorous and lovely, and maybe a little sexy and fun. ;o)

Being in Chicago just brings back so many memories, big sibs, college friends, modeling stuff (blehh), and being here also invokes my inner shopaholic. I love it!

I'll be heading home in style. Peace out.

In a sinful world...

Wow it's been a long time since I blogged. I apologize to all 10 of my followers...and I hope that I can still gain your readership back. ;o)

We're loving our house and this wonderful season of life before kids. But the one area right now that's essentially tearing our hearts out is about our church family. A lot of changes have been going on in the last 6 weeks and it has taken a lot of us on a complete roller coaster of feelings and situations. I'd like to address some of the things Kevin and I are experiencing:

1) Fear: Fear that some of the relationships and friendships that were critical in our coming to and growing in faith will cease to remain strong. Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times."

Fear that we won't be able to please everyone. Galatians 1:10 "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Fear that unbeliving friends, family, and onlookers will be disgusted at the lack of forgiveness and mercy within the body of Christ and have no desire to partake in anything of the sort.

2) Relief: Relief because two different visions were preventing the church from growing in harmony.

Relief because so many questions we've had about the Bible and theology are being searched out and discussed passionately.

Relief because our desperate seeking of God through trials is bringing a fresh revelation and hunger for the Holy Spirit and the Word of God.

3) Anger: Anger at Satan for causing dissention.

Anger at Satan for causing people to close their minds and hearts, even to people they love.

Ephesians 4: 31 "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Col 3:13 " Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." The word of God has more power than our enemy.

Anger at Satan for trying to use this situation for his Glory.

4) Passion and Joy: Passion because a new season invokes all sorts of opportunity.

Passion because we feel God's voice and guidance more clearly than ever before.

Joy because God is in control and he wants to use us in a fresh way.

Things were handled how they were handled, and both "sides" feel that they were handled wrongly by the other side. People were hurt. But when the situation is discussed, it seems as though there's no hint of GRACE and MERCY and FORGIVENESS--even if they were handled in a sinful way. Do we not each sin against our Creator and Savior every single day?

The word speaks repeatedly of "one body." ie. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace." Colossians 3:15. My study notes say, "The attitude of peace that Christ alone gives replaces the attitude of bitterness and quarrelsomeness. The attitude is to "rule" in all human relationships.

Can we not let go of this desire to "rule" and "be great?" "Humble yourselves...be like that of your servant Christ Jesus...who gave himself up even to the point of death on a cross."

In America do we even know what it means to be humble anymore?

In my next blog, I want to address some of the topics that are being discussed and get your feedback.