A dear friend sent me a text that read, "Aslan said to Lucy in the storm, 'Courage, dear heart...' I love you and am praying for you, Liv." I started weeping.
It was about a month ago that I laid down on yet another ultrasound table with great fear and anticipation. What should have been a healthy 9-week baby was found to be significantly smaller than expected. It's hard to express in words how it felt to receive this news. Yet. Again. It felt like time stopped...
Three times in the last year we have gotten the best news of our lives in the form of a pee stick, "Pregnant." And three times we have gotten the dreaded news that our baby has gone to be with Jesus, seemingly all too soon.
Needless to say, it has been a roller coaster of a year. I hardly know how to begin expressing what God is doing in Kevin and me, but I know that He is doing something profound, and that something needs to be shared. Not for your or my sake, but for the sake of sharing God's story. I have been deeply challenged to believe over the last few months especially, that my messy story is not my own to be held onto and locked away, or shared only when my trust-instincts confirm that I'm not about to be hurt.
My human tendency is, big surprise, SELFISH. I want to hold my pain close and rarely share it. To move scarcely forward and to tuck the precious memory of these pregnancies into the secret depths of my soul. Only to be felt by me...lonely and despairing me. My tendency is to resist comfort, whether from others OR from the Holy Spirit. I am inclined to think that life is cruel and that comfort and peace are so far away that I may not ever feel them in the same way again.
But praise God! In this pain and heartbreak, He is giving Kevin and me the most profound measures of his comfort and peace. Before the desperation of this past year, I don't think I had a deep yearning to feel the peace or comfort of God. I don't remember praying for peace or comfort because I saw no significant void in my life. It's not that I had no need for God, but the ugly self-righteousness blocked my view of the cross and its magnitude. So it is now in this crippling weakness that I feel our heavenly Father picking me up spiritually, emotionally, and physically and pouring His Spirit and strength into my dry and weary bones.
So in response to that gift of strength in the storm, and in response to His cradling love in brokenness, I would like to crawl up into the lap of our savior and let Him continue to strengthen me as I share my story with you in order that God's story may be understood more clearly and more glory be given to his name.
Over the next few blog posts, I will attempt to share what God has been doing in my heart, my life, my friendships, and our marriage as we walk through (and hopefully out of) this dark valley.
Just know this:
-I very much still believe God is faithful, loving, and sovereign.
-I may say some things that you disagree with. I am aware that I am not an expert in medicine or theology. I know I don't have all the answers. But please be sensitive in your comments. My heart is soft and vulnerable.
-I am sharing this NOT for attention or for pity, but to share the part of His story that He has entrusted to us through our lives and our suffering. We don't think our story is in any way better or more meaningful than anyone else's. I just feel compelled to share what the grace of God has provided in my life over the last year, I would love to hear your story too.
- I love you for reading this, and I am (more than ever) so grateful for your prayers, friendship, and love.