And then sometimes life hurts

I'm having trouble sleeping for the third night in a row. But tonight is a little different than the last two nights.

Today when we went into the doctor for our first prenatal "check-up," they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So we were actually excited, because we knew this meant we could go get an ultrasound and actually see our baby!

However, when we went in later to have this done, the technician couldn't detect any movement. She did another form of ultrasound that is more sensitive, and we could see the baby but there was no blood flow to the little body. It was probably the worst moment I've ever remembered in my short life so far. And I can't stop replaying it in my head. We were in a dark room, and I just can't bring myself to lay in our dark bedroom right now. Nothing else will stay in my head. And so we're just coping as best we can.

God is good, and I know he has a plan. In fact, the Word has been our biggest hope over the last 16 hours. This is what I read tonight:

"Life up your eyes on high and see:

who created these?

He who brings out their host by number,

calling them all by name,

by the greatness of his might,

and because he is strong in power

not one is missing.

...

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The LORD is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable (and this line is about where I lost it. This is the GOd we cling to!!)

He GIVES POWER TO THE FAINT,

AND TO HIM WHO HAS NO MIGHT HE INCREASES STRENGTH.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint."

Oh, God I just pray that we would have renewed strength. We are so thankful for friends and family who have surrounded us in prayer right now, and we definitely want this to be something we look back on and Glorify God all the more for. This life is such a refining process...and it just hurts really bad sometimes.

Thanks for your prayers. Especially on Friday when I'll be undergoing a DNC surgery.

Thank you GOD for dying so we don't have to shoulder the pain of this world. You know how we feel. you are a God of understanding, and peace, and grace. You draw near to the weary and the brokenhearted. If I could have one thing, it would be your presence.

Love you all.

Baby characteristics

So, I guess I can't help but blog about the baby growing inside of me "with our DNA" as our husband says. It's going to be so cool to see how he/she/they turn out!! haha. It's not declared multiples yet, so we'll just have to wait until our first appointment next Wednesday to find out all that fun stuff. I've inserted my thoughts in parenthesis. (Lame that I'm reading these things so early. But hey, it's the first one. What else can fill my nauseous life but reading weird internet articles?)

This is what the hokey internet quizzes/finder-outers say:

Congratulations! It's a boy! (The "necklace test", however, said GIRL!) According to the Chinese fertility calendar, you're expecting a son. Time to brush up on those baby boy names. (Are you kidding...brush up on our names? We have a list of 5 boy names and 5 girl names that we LOVE. It's going to be a difficult decision. I think we're going to wait until we see the baby to name him/her. Surprises are more fun!)

There's almost always a connection between genetics and environment. Musical talent is a classic example. People who have perfect pitch are four times more likely than those with only average singing voices to say that a relative has this natural gift. (I'm hoping for a future broadway star/worship leader... I'm just being honest. I love music/chorus/choir/madrigals/etc!). Yet research has also found that most people with perfect pitch started taking music lessons before age 6, and that only 3 percent of people who started voice lessons after age 9 have perfect pitch -- suggesting that both genetics and training affect one's singing voice. "It's simplistic to say that artistic and intelligence traits are determined by genetics, because even a gifted child needs the right environment to thrive," says Dr. Garber. Average IQ scores have gone up in the past 50 years thanks to changes such as better early-childhood education, experts say, not because we're innately smarter. And intelligence may run in families partly because bright parents tend to provide a richer learning environment -- by having more books, for example. In fact, two recent studies found that the IQ of firstborn children is slightly higher than that of their younger siblings -- possibly because they received more undivided attention. (this explains your ridiculous ACT score and valedictorian tendencies, and chemistry gifts Jill!)

"Almost all talents need to be practiced," says Dr. Carey. "Even if you're genetically predisposed to be a great basketball player, you still need to shoot a lot of free throws." The environment a child grows up in can also affect other genetic traits. "The impact of genes for height can be modified by the foods you eat," says Dr. Bodurtha. "And environment is enormously important during development and early childhood. For example, your child could have genetic potential for a high IQ, but if you drank alcohol during pregnancy, it may be lower." (good thing I didn't drink that apple martini that I wanted so bad the day before we found out. Our kids will need to get full rides for college since we're having like 5...or 3...or we'll see haha)

Sometimes, our children pick up traits we don't intend to teach -- just by living with us. Nora Flanagan's 1-year-old son, Kevin, was adopted but has definitely taken on some family traits. "My two brothers and I have the same up-to-something smirk, and Kevin's got it down to the last detail," says Flanagan, of Chicago. He also has a boisterous laugh that leaves him out of breath, just like both of his adoptive parents. "We keep in touch with Kevin's birth mother, who is more reserved, and it's been eye-opening to see how he's a combination of all of us," says Flanagan. (Babies laughing sounds are probably the cutest sounds I've ever heard.)

I'm hoping the kids get Kevin's laidback-ness, his sports abilites, his muscles, his hair, maybe my eyes or fingernails...ok I just love my hubby. I'm okay if they're just like him! Seriously, God has blessed me with such a leader and man of God in Kevin and I'm so excited to see how our little one turns out. More updates to come (like the actual gender in until June.)

We're off to Europe in 13 days....Itinerary to come...