I'm having trouble sleeping for the third night in a row. But tonight is a little different than the last two nights.
Today when we went into the doctor for our first prenatal "check-up," they couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So we were actually excited, because we knew this meant we could go get an ultrasound and actually see our baby!
However, when we went in later to have this done, the technician couldn't detect any movement. She did another form of ultrasound that is more sensitive, and we could see the baby but there was no blood flow to the little body. It was probably the worst moment I've ever remembered in my short life so far. And I can't stop replaying it in my head. We were in a dark room, and I just can't bring myself to lay in our dark bedroom right now. Nothing else will stay in my head. And so we're just coping as best we can.
God is good, and I know he has a plan. In fact, the Word has been our biggest hope over the last 16 hours. This is what I read tonight:
"Life up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable (and this line is about where I lost it. This is the GOd we cling to!!)
He GIVES POWER TO THE FAINT,
AND TO HIM WHO HAS NO MIGHT HE INCREASES STRENGTH.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint."
Oh, God I just pray that we would have renewed strength. We are so thankful for friends and family who have surrounded us in prayer right now, and we definitely want this to be something we look back on and Glorify God all the more for. This life is such a refining process...and it just hurts really bad sometimes.
Thanks for your prayers. Especially on Friday when I'll be undergoing a DNC surgery.
Thank you GOD for dying so we don't have to shoulder the pain of this world. You know how we feel. you are a God of understanding, and peace, and grace. You draw near to the weary and the brokenhearted. If I could have one thing, it would be your presence.
Love you all.